Political Shenanigans

Why are the politicians trying to bail out the source of the economic problem when they should be bailing out the American people? Why is the government giving money to the very institutions that got us into this economic mess in the first place?

If they government wants to fix this problem, lowering key interest rates and giving BILLIONS of dollars to banks who made all the bad decisions in the first place won't do it. The continual, daily free fall of the stock market proves that. Erasing their debt isn't fair.

If they REALLY want to fix the problem... erase OUR debt. If they're going to clean slate anybody or anything, why aren't they clean slating our mortgages, many of which are bad and given out knowingly in bad faith in the first place. Erasing our mortgages would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY benefit consumers by DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY putting more money in our pocket, which in turn would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY improve consumer confidence and DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY revitalize our economy.

How many years is this supposed bailout, written by "experts", supposed to take? Far too long to do anyone any good.

Why bail out the scum bags who put us in this position in the first place? Why are we giving THEM more of OUR money? If we're already in a free fall -- and we are -- why not do something drastic? Desperate times -- and these are desperate times -- call for desperate measures.

It's time the politicians (all of them) pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses and started doing what our Founding Fathers intended... serve we the people.

More driving fun in Colorado!

On the way to work this morning I heard about yet another one-car rollover here in the Springs. I'm pretty sure that makes eleventy million, four hundred thousand one-car rollovers in this state this year alone. It's amazing to me how people in Colorado are still allowed to drive. Speaking of...

Last week I heard about an SUV rollover that occurred on Old Stage Road in Teller County. Three 19-year old boys were tooling around the back woods sometime between midnight and 2 a.m. to apparently get a better view of the stars on a clear night. At some point the SUV they were driving in ran off the road and rolled down a 75-foot embankment. The driver was trapped for about eight hours with his leg pinned between the Chevy Blazer and a tree because the two other occupants had to walk 10 miles to call for assistance. They had cell phones but apparently "cell phones don't work up there." They must not have Verizon.

In a subsequent report I heard that the SUV ran out of gas, causing the vehicle to lose power and was thus was the reason the car careened off the road.

I have some (theoretical) questions:

• What were these three 19/20 year olds really doing way back on a mountain road after midnight? Cuz I'm not buying the whole "watch stars" line. Unless of course that's today's lingo for "smoking dope and drinking beer."
  
• What portion of their brains told them it was OK to go "way back on a mountain road after midnight" without a full tank of gas?
• I've had a 1992 Ford Bronco with power steering die on me while driving... it's not hard to steer to the side of the road and bring to a stop. So why couldn't a young, healthy, strapping 19-year old keep what had to be a slow moving vehicle (after all, they were on a dirt mountain road in the pitch dark... one must assume they weren't speeding, right?) from sliding down a 75-foot embankment?
• Your cell phones really didn't work? REALLY? Switch your carrier.

Thus... the guy who was involved in the one-care rollover this morning and the triumvirate of "star watchers" both win the first ever Mad Man Award for Bad Driving! Stick this on your lapel and wear it with pride!

Teacher Applicant

The latest making the rounds on the Internet... which is awesome!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior,

observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt

messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually

transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play,

and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and

make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their

handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any

other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,a bulletin board,

a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?'


* Thanks for passing this along to me Larry!

Patience is a virtue

What is the #1 problem with drivers in the state of Colorado? No one has any patience. The wife and I drive from our home on the far north side of town to work on the south side of down every day of the work week. And every single day I see at least two people who feel the need... the need for speed. You know the types I'm talking about.

First you have drivers who must swerve over into the shoulder in order to see around you, thinking there must be something other than the normal throngs of traffic -- likely you -- causing their debilitating rate of speed. By doing this, not one or twice, but seventeen times over the course of three minutes, they someone satiate their compulsive curiosity.

Then you have the morons who think I-25 is a NASCAR super speedway, where racing three wide is not only acceptable, but encouraged. These folks are "awesome." They'll jockey for position in order to get one whole car length ahead of you, cutting off drivers in multiple lanes of traffic with reckless abandon to do so. And the greatest thing about these living breathing reasons for condoms? Nearly every time the Karmic gods of Traffic are looking down and smite them with Driving Miss Daisy; stuck behind the slowest vehicle on the freeway due to their own incompetent driving skills. The rage they fly into is priceless, and can easily be inflamed by driving by them -- in the very same spot you were in prior to their Evil Knievel performance -- and waving to them with a big ole smile on your face. There's no need to flip them the bird because they know they're morons, and they know you know they're morons. The infernal rage that wells up on their face is nothing short of pure bliss.

Then you have the oblivious people who didn't get the memo about it being illegal to remain in the left lane unless you're passing. We ran into of these "I forgot to wake up this morning" drivers yesterday. Apparently the 80 million year old man and his equally aged wife felt it was their God given right to be in that left lane, despite the fact that eleventy hundred cars kept passing them, their occupants honking and waving at them. Nothing was budging the man from his lane.

And I don't have to mention the dill holes who drive while 1) talking on the phone, 2) think it's cute to have their damn mutt sitting in their laps while tooling down the road, 3) read the newspaper, 4) eat breakfast, 5) shave, 6) pick their nose thinking no one can see them through the TRANSPARENT GLASS IN THEIR CAR, or one of a hundred different things.

Laws must become more strict. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Just because you suck in precious air from the planet (in many cases air that should go to someone with far more value to the future of humanity) doesn't mean you have the mental ability to drive a vehicle. Based on what I've seen here... I have to wonder if some of these people can even tie their own shoes.

Pizza pie in the sky

I love pizza. I could eat it every day. But this is without question a sign of the apocalypse.


The dude on his back tossin' pizza dough is Justin Wadstein. Justin is from the good ole US of A and is "performing" during the acrobatic pizza event. I'll give you a few seconds to let you soak in the absurdity of that statement. OK, now for the "fun" part.... the acrobatic pizza event is but one such absurdly lame event in the World Pizza Championships held in Salsomaggiore Terme, Italy.

Apparently this absurdly lame "championship" is held each and every year and is where the world's best pizza makers gather to show off their chops.

Wow, so our society has become a utopia, huh? When did I miss that memo? I mean, it must be a utopia because we have all this free time to indulge in... acrobatic pizza tossing?

We are so doomed.

What?

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!


*Thanks to CollegeHumor for making this classic video, and Andy at SpringsTV Talk for showing me the light.

Oh my lovely Battlestar...

* As seen on Io9.com

Frolicking French Funnies

As a follow-up to this morning's post, another buddy (Steven) sent along this memorable cover photo for Soldier of Surrender: The Official Magazine of the French Military. Enjoy!

You could have heard a pin drop

I want to thank my buddy Larry for sending these to me. Gotta love each and every one of them!

=====================

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of "empire building" by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. "

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.

During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electric power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English."

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

And this story fits right in with the above...

A group of retired American teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

========================

I love being right!

Case in point... remember my diatribe a few months back about the "Dysfunctional" Minute Man? Welp, seems I was right.

According to an AP article written by Megan Scott, next month's Journal of Sexual Medicine will include a report detailing what the "optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse" is. Wanna take a wild guess how much time? If you go off the myriad of myths pervading our society... you'll be so, so wrong.

The survey results were culled from fifty members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (how does one become a part of that "society" may I ask?) across the U.S. and Canada. These are honest to God experts (not drunken, mindless frat tards, porn stars, horny 18 year olds, or sexual deviants). The findings?

Optimal time for sexual intercourse ranges from 3 to 13 minutes. Read that again... slowly if you have to. THREE TO THIRTEEN MINUTES. N-O-T hours.

Dr. Irwin Goldstein is the editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. In the report he cites a four-week study done back in 2005 that included of 1,500 couples. This study found the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. How did they come up with this time? The women in the study were actually "armed with stopwatches."

Imagine that. OK, don't. Forget I said that.

Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and the director of Wellminds Wellbodies says, "There are so many myths in our culture of what other people are doing sexually. Most people's sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are."

Meaning: they're not anywhere close to the "high quality" porn movies flowing out of Sexywood. While most of these myths started back in the day, the "Dysfunctional Minute Man Syndrome" is now being spread by the pharmaceutical industry. Glance through the sports section of your newspaper. If it's anything like our local paper you'll find several ads for male enhancement pills. And let's not forget the endless television commercials (the ones with the "hilarious" list of side effects) espousing our supposed erectile challenged society.

So there ya have it. I was right - again. Boy it feels good. Have a great weekend all. I will!

Battlestar gets a Top 10 List!

I want to thank my compatriot Chipper Dave (who runs as many blog sites as I seem to - the poker site Chipper's World, and the beer blog Fermentedly Challenged) for alerting me to this great Top 10 list.

UPDATE: Sci-Fi Channel is airing two new shows tonight to bring you up to speed for the season premiere next week - Battlestar: Revisited and Battlestar: Phenomenon. Check local listings for times.

Battlestar spin-off gets the green light!

According to yesterday's Variety:

The Sci-Fi Channel has given the green light to Caprica, a prequel series to Battlestar Galactica. The two-hour "backdoor" pilot begins production in Vancouver this spring. Both Rondal D. Moore and David Eick, the executive producers for BSG, will join with Universal Media Studios to work on Caprica. Rene Aubuchon will co-write the Caprica pilot with Moore, and Jeff Reiner will direct it. Casting begins soon.

BSG ends its 3½-year run with its last 20 episodes starting on April 4, so this comes at the most perfect time!

* Thanks for letting me know about this, Steven!

How's the Jihad going?

Allah Allah AkBOOM!!!!!!!!! Gotta love instant Karma.


* Thanks for the vid clip, Steven (and the "Allah Allah AkBOOM!!!!!!!!!" line!)

If we were all armed with these...

... every scum bag, cowardly, stupid, piece of filth criminal would crawl back under the rock they slithered out from - and vanish.

Ya, I'm back. I was under the weather the last few weeks - OK, I was sick as a dog all of last week and still trying to recover this week.

But enough of that... on with the rants! And boy do I have some things to rant about.

Battlestar Returns!

Now that the writer's are done striking... GET BACK TO WORK! I kid. But I did just find out that my fave show, Battlestar Galactica, returns April 4 (three days before my birthday, wooohoo!).

The first half of its 20-episode final season (NOOOOOOO!) was thankfully already filmed before the big brouhaha with the greedy basitch studios errupted back in October. Production on the final 10 episodes looks to begin in March. Airdates for them have not yet been announced.

Also of note, Lost (another of my fave shows) will be taping an additional five episodes to begin airing on April 24 in a new 10PM time slot.

Sadly, the 7th season of 24 will not return until January '09. Damn.

Hitler a Cowboy's Fan?

Hilarious! Woulda thunk?

* Thanks for passing this along.... oh crap, who passed this along to me?

Silence is Golden

Berkeley can go to hell! Or... Stupid People Part V

In case you missed it - the Birkenstock wearing, veagen, leftist, hippy "commune" known as Berkeley, California, recently did something that qualifies as treason.

At the end of January the City Council of this un-American city voted 8-1 to tell the Marines their downtown recruiting station was no longer welcomed. That's bad. But they went one step further and stated that "if recruiters choose to stay, they do so as uninvited and unwelcome guests." It gets even worse. In a separate item, the council voted (8-1 again) to allow the protest group Code Pink a parking space in front of the recruiting office once a week for six months and a free sound permit for protesting once a week.

Tell ya what Berkeley... how about we - that would be the rest of the United States of America - vote to see if we should consider your commune "uninvited and unwelcome guests" to this country, and then kick your sorry treasonous asses off the continent? Sound good?

I grew up in the Bay Area; spent 22 years of my life there rolling my eyes over the bullshit this "commune" continually spews out. Well, enough is enough. There was a time in this country when your actions had consequences. It's time for that era to come back - right now. Thankfully, at least one prominent businessman in that city, which I will refer to as a Black Hole in America, has seen the light. He wrote to the Mayor of Berkeley. This is his letter:

Dear Mayor Bates,

In that you and your city have chosen to gravely insult the brave men and women, who have indeed bought you that right with their blood, I am informing you that my company will no longer do business with any of our current suppliers located in the Berkeley, California metro area.

In that my company is in international resort realestate development, and do business with and am associated with, developers and investors worldwide, I am informing all of my contacts, associates and patrons that we will no longer do any business of any sort with anyone living in the Berkeley area.

In that we/MDG Resorts are currently building a state of the art mega-yacht marina, all of the suppliers of Marina equipment, all owners of Yachts, all suppliers of Yacht materials & supplies, all yacht brokers and all tangential yacht business purveyors will likewise be informed that we will not do any business whatsoever with anyone from the Berkeley area.

Likewise all suppliers of building materials, both interior and exterior, currently associated with any of our several resort developments (Brisamar 300+villas and 200+ condos: Porto Hussong, www.portohussong.www 500+condos, 180 slip mega-yacht marina) both of which I might add have international recognition by virtue of glowing reports in Robb Report, Wall Street Journal, Yacht World, Forbes.

I will likewise inform all of our investors, most of whom are very wealthy yacht owners, casino owners, high net worth international businessmen, of our decision to essentially boycott all products and providers located in, or associated with in any way whatsoever, Berkeley, Ca.

Trust me when I say that having been in the real estate development business for over 35 years, our list of contacts and associates is long and very, very impressive. We, and I personally, are going to recommend that they ALL along with us boycott your city, its purveyors, suppliers, and businesses and CHARITIES of every kind.

You have every right to choose to take the obnoxious anti-military stance you have taken, and as stated, that right was bought for you with the blood of better men than you. I too have every right to do all that I can to insure that your city suffers consequences arising from that obnoxious, sickening stance.

Cordially,

Brian G. Dennard
Principal Director
Meridian Development Group, LLC619 807 2444
http://www.mdgresorts.com/http://www.portohussong.com/

I urge every one of you to contact the city council of Berkeley, CA, via email at: mailto:clerk@ci.berkeley.ca.us. Crash their servers telling them they can piss off. If they don't like the Marines (yet will vote to allow a peace organization to picket and trumpet as loud as they want in front of these same Marines who died for ALL of them), one of the brave armed services branches that gave them their freedom, they can leave the country and never look back. We don't need their ilk clouding the gene pool any longer. I also urge you to contact Mr. Dennard and commend him for his stance, and join him in the boycott of this most un-American city.

Make them pay for their actions.

People are Stupid, Part IV

You have a what?

Misspelled two different ways no less. Ya, we need more people like this. People with "dreams" dirtying up the gene pool. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the color of their skin either. There's too many people in this world who are, say it with me now - "stupid."

* Thanks for passing this along to me, John! (sorry for missing the props on the original post)

The Plan

My good friend Renee forwarded the following to me the other night...

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines They don't want us there, anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them .

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10 ) All Amer icans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it..or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'"

=================================================

Great plan. And I wish someone would actually do it, but smelling "b*llsh*t" I hopped over to Snopes.com to see if this was true or not. Not. Robin Williams had absolutely nothing to do with this "speech." Click here to read the real story behind how this really started. Still, it's something that somoeone needs to - soon. Sadly, with the proliferation of sackless individuals in this country incapable of doing what needs to be done... it's unlikely.

A Modern Parable

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens and a certificate of completion for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower (a reduction in workforce) for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was "out-sourced" to India.

Sadly, the End.


* Again, thanks for sending this along Larry! Not sure where it originally came from, so my apologies for not dolling out appropriate acknowledgments. But man, is it ever true! Funny and sad. Sigh... I need a beer.

Are you down with Hancock?

My buddy Steven dropped this movie clip on me the other day.



Will Smith in anything = pure gold. So "get out the way"!

People are Stupid, Part III

And the hits just keep on coming!

I was reading an article the other day about the new ABC series Eli Stone that premiered after Lost on Thursday night (it's a really good show by the way). Ya, the character has my name. So does Peyton's little brother. The Manning that's IN the Super Bowl in only his what... 4th year in the NFL? How long did it take Peyton again? Ya. Anyway... that's not the point. What caught my eye was what the article was about.

According to "Docs: TV drama perpetuates autism myth" by AP writer Lindsey Tanner, the American Academy of Pediatrics wanted ABC to cancel the first episode of this new FICTIONAL series because it perpetuates the myth that vaccines can cause autism. According to Dr. Renee R. Jenkins, president of the nation's largest pediatricians' group, "If parents watch this program and choose to deny their children immunizations, ABC will share in the responsibility for the suffering and deaths that occur as a result."

I saw the show. And if anyone got the wrong idea based on the storyline...

Oh, but it's gets better. Jenkins, the president remember, goes on to say that many (mindless, slack jawed, drooling - those are my words) viewers "trust the health information presented on FICTIONAL television shows, which influences their decisions about health care."

Hoooooly shit! You've gotta be kidding me?! That SHOULD be your response.

Sadly, it's true. And that's the REALLY scary part of this whole thing. If parents... hell, if any living, breathing, supposedly rational human being believes something they see on a FICTIONAL television show, and they allow it to influence their REAL LIFE decisions... they should be shot on sight. Which goes to prove (once again) that "freedom of having children" needs to become a privilege IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner.

The people that actually do believe the crap they see on a FICTIONAL television show need to stop having kids, and stop adding their obviously defective genes into the public pool. We don't need stupid people like that running around the world. We just don't.

Greg Berlanti, a co-creator of the show said, "'We would be deeply upset' if parents opted against vaccination because of the episode." Uh... ya, think? I'd be "deeply upset" too - for the kids, because they have stupid parents who believe health advice given on a FICTIONAL television show!!! Maybe the good pediatric doctors ought to be more concerned about that.

Like I said... people are stupid.

Lost is found!

Lost is back... in a big way! If you missed it, sorry. You missed one of the best episodes since season 1. This 4th season is truncated, so there will only be 8 episodes, and if they're all like the premiere (as I suspect they will)... holy crapola! GREAT, GREAT STUFF!

Pretty sure you can watch the episode at ABC's website, so try to find it. If not, check out the fantastic LostEasterEggs website (I have a perma-link to the right) for a literal frame by frame breakdown of every single episdode. Thought you saw evertyhing? Not a chance. After viewing the breakdown on the LEE site you'll want to watch each episode over again. Trust me on this.

Plus, Andy Wineke (the TV guy for the Colorado Springs Gazette) and I always jibber-jabber about the latest episode on his blog, SpringsTV Talk. Check it out and join in the conversation, or feel free to drop a comment here!

A Letter to Luke

Dear Mr. Skywalker,

My name is Dav Larteeg. I don’t think you know me. I’ve been with the Rebellion for a while now, but mostly as a low-level worker, far away from the five or six people at the top. I did fly a B-Wing in the battle of Endor, but I believe you were elsewhere at the time.

Anyway, the Empire is defeated! Hooray! I am on the New Republic Council, working to bring democracy back to the galaxy. It’s pretty challenging. And I understand you’re busy bringing back the Jedi.

Which brings me to my point here. Please don’t. I don’t want to seem unappreciative of what you’ve done for the Rebellion. Turning off your targeting computer when you were in range of the Death Star’s exhaust port so that there was a good chance of missing the crucial shot was an act that…well, it won’t be forgotten for a while. And since then, you’ve done a heck of a job rescuing people so they could come back and help us out. I’m glad this was something you could do in between all your Jedi training.

But let’s not dwell on the past, at least not yet. Right now the present is important, for the future of the galaxy! And we on the Council are a little concerned about this plan of yours to bring back the Jedi.

It’s not that we don’t want a group of highly dogmatic warrior-priests dispensing justice through amputation. Nor is it the fact that the only force that can keep them in check when they go off the rails is each other. It’s just that…well, let’s be honest here, Mr. Skywalker. While a Jedi might (or might not, the jury’s kind of still out on that, I’m afraid) have gotten us out of this whole Empire mess, a whole group of them got us into it. The track record of the Jedi just isn’t so hot.

You weren’t born yet when the Emperor rose to power, so maybe you don’t know all of this information. I know that Obi-Wan Kenobi has told you about Jedi history, but then again, Obi-Wan Kenobi says a lot of things, doesn’t he? Did he mention that some of the greatest Jedi in history didn’t see the Emperor when he was literally right under their nose? Count Dooku told pretty much the whole plan to Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he and the Jedi just shrugged it off. I’m pretty sure Kenobi neglected to mention that to you. Likewise, I’m sure he probably forgot about how the Jedi were handed an army out of nowhere, on a planet somehow hidden from them, under mysterious and suspicious circumstances, and happily accepted it, no questions asked. An army of clones, too, because living beings bred solely to fight and die for the government is far more “civilized” than droids. Although some might call the actions of the Jedi as the Emperor rose to power “criminally stupid,” let me assure you I am not one of them.

And I know this is a touchy subject for you, but please hear me out. No one is more overjoyed than I that you were, at the last minute and long after many people gave their lives fighting (people, not clones), able to turn your father back to the side of good. Obi-Wan was wise to lie to you about Darth Vader being your father so that you couldn’t confront him any earlier. I understand that because he didn’t like seeing his son roasted alive (more on this in a moment, sir), the Force has forgiven him for all the people he mercilessly destroyed. You must be very proud! But let’s not forget how he got in that situation, shall we? He was discovered by Qui-Gon Jinn, a Jedi who was best known for both piercing the veil of the afterworld and using the Force to cheat at gambling. Qui-Gon was the one who brought this loose cannon into the Council, and the Council reluctantly agreed to train him, handing him over to a Jedi who’d been a master for…well, I’m not sure what time it was when Obi-Wan was tapped as Anakin’s master, so I can’t tell you how many hours. They then proceeded to treat the boy like the unwanted stepchild he was, practically driving him into Palpatine’s arms. The Jedi Council’s lack of concern when your father slaughtered an entire tribe of sand people to avenge his mother’s death makes one wonder if they even knew about it. Regardless, my point here is that it was the combined wisdom and power of the Jedi Council who helped Anakin seek friendship and acceptance from the Sith Lord, Darth Sideous. And don’t get me started on the celibacy policy of a group that’s harnessed a genetic ability…

I think I’ve made my point, sir. Please forgive my forwardness, but I’m just not sure we really want these people back. And it’s not just me, a lot of us here on the Council are starting to think we’re better off without sanctioned, trained killers with repressed emotions. Maybe we’re just filled with hubris after our Jedi-less victory at Endor. I’m sure you recall how Obi-Wan dismembered a guy in a bar for hassling you, right? This “lop off arms first and ask questions later” policy was pretty much Jedi Standard Operating Procedure. (For the record, the Prosthetic Limbs Lobby is very keen on having the Jedi return.) Random acts of violence aside, we have our own soldiers now. We have repulsorlift technology that allows us to make things float without invoking mystical powers. General Calrissian is full of information on how to lie and cheat without an unwavering spiritual commitment. We’re just not sure that skills passed down from a guy who walked away from his “best friend” and “brother” as a torso that was roasting alive are what the Republic really needs at this point. I think we’re ready to take our own destiny into our own hands. The Council urges you to reconsider your decision to bring back the Jedi, Mr. Skywalker.

Sincerely,
Dav Larteeg
New Republic Council

PS - To be fair, though, I hear you can channel Master Yoda. Now him, we might be interested in talking to.

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LMAO! Thanks for passing that along to me, Joe!

People are Stupid, Part II

Following up on a post I made last April about how "People are Stupid"... Well, the stupidity hasn't slowed down. Here are two new people to boot around, all local to Colorado Springs:

Maria Darlene Joseph (who also has an alias of Maria Darlene Gardner)... the "stupid" 25 year old white trash of a human being who has 5 kids ages 16 months, 3, 5, 8, and 9. FIVE KIDS AT THE AGE OF TWENTY FIVE? Maria "allegedly" (I so hate that PC term) poured gasoline on them and then set them on fire. The 16-month old baby died at the scene while the other 4 are in critical condition. IF they make it, how screwed up are they going to be? Not just physically, but mentally? Are they ever going to have a normal life? Unlikely. Which means you and I will be taking care of them through our taxpayer dollars for the rest of their lives. Read the whole gut-wrenching story here.

Why am I so "mean"? Because some one has to. Somewhere along the line this world has become so Politically Inept (notice the change in verbiage from "correct" to "inept") that we've seriously lost our way. At some point SOON a law is going to have to be made that suspends "freedom of having children." And I'm not just talking about this country, I'm talking globally. Why are people in impoverished, drought stricken, diseased riddled, no-hope Third World Countries allowed to have ANY kids? If they stopped having litters of children the rampant poverty, filth and disease in those countries would vanish almost overnight. It's a simple matter of logic people.

And what about Maria Darlene... whatever her last name is? I'm sorry, a 25 year old with 5 kids all under the age of 9? That means she had her first one at 16. Veeeeeeery nice.

Having children should be made a privilege. Why? We've abused the "right" for far too long. In order to have kids one should have to prove mentally, physically and financially that YOU can support them. YOU, not the government. Welfare fraud is rampant. Have a baby, get more money. That's the mentality of these scum bags. The vicious cycle has to stop or we're all in trouble.

Moving on to the next "scholar"...

Scott Anthony Gomez, Jr., is suing the Pueblo County Jail. Mr. Gomez (and I use the term "Mr." very loosely here) is seeking an unspecified amount of money, claiming authorities "did next to nothing to ensure that the jail was secure and that the Plaintiff could not escape." That's right, this scum bag inmate is suing the jail because it was too easy to escape. Can you !*@&%# believe that?! Oh, there's more to it - such as he was "allegedly" beaten by deputies and inmates alike (I bet he was beaten by inmates) that prompted him to escape. Gee, that's like saying he found God during his stay in jail. They all miraculously do, don't they? Give me a break.

Why are we wasting our time and tax payer money on this waste of human flotsam again? Trot him out back, "take care" of the problem and be done with it. Why do the spineless jellyfish of this world (Politically Inept Automatons) insist on giving criminal's rights (there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one) when those criminals so egregiously and wantonly disregarded the rights of others in order to be put into jail? The madness needs to stop or we're all in trouble.

The "Dysfunctional" Minute Man

Dysfunction is described as: any malfunctioning part or element.

How can something be a "dysfunction" when every man on the planet seems to be affected by the exact same thing? Wouldn't that be called... normal?

How do I know it's every man? Why, the endless number of drugs on the market and the deluge of advertisements that constantly bombard us on television, radio and in print of course. If you take all the media hype as fact then "Erectile Dysfunction" ("E.D." for the virginal ears of television viewers) must be a global pandemic the likes of The Black Death. According to those trying to sell you a stiffy it's a "disease" that must be eradicated at all costs. God forbid we should be afflicted by a flaccid phallus.

Seriously, has anyone ever met a single guy who can go at it like the damn Energizer Bunny? Oh, you have? So you were present to watch his heroic feats of hedonism? No you weren't. All you have is the word of that person, undoubtedly infused with ego, alcohol - or both. The only time you actually ever "see" people engaging in endless hours of sack soaking, head banging sex is in movies - porn or otherwise. Which of course is completely fake.

So basically what we're being told is that the inability to replicate the actions of a porn star and not have a woody that lasts 6 hours is now considered a "dysfunction" in our society.

Is it really a "dysfunction"or is it a myth cooked up by the opportunistic pharmaceutical industry? One of the two special interest groups (the other being oil) that essentially run this country... and are continually out to screw us.

The Apocalypse is Nigh!

My buddy Steven just dropped this movie trailer on me.

SWEET!

The Internet Movie Database describes Doomsday as such:

Great Britain, 2007. A deadly plague, known as the "Reaper Virus," has broken out, killing hundreds of thousands in its wake. In desperation, the British Government evacuates as many survivors as it can out of the infected area, and then builds a wall, preventing the remainder from escaping. Thirty years later, with the wall still up and the victims all but forgotten, the virus breaks out again. The Government decides to send a crack team of operatives, led by Major Eden Sinclair, into the hot zone to investigate the possibility of a cure.

It's directed by Neil Marshall (the guy who made the fantastically scary indie movie The Descent), so I have high hopes! Based on the trailer it looks like a combo between 28 Days Later and The Road Warrior movies, and Escape from New York. Just a few of my fave flicks of all time! I can see the tag lines now: "The Road Warriorette... 28 days of the month!"

I'm a post-apocalyptic fiction nutter. I love any book, story, comic, movie, TV show, video game, etc., that deals with the end of the world. This flick is right up my alley! Can't wait!

Ten Golden Rules of Online Gaming

Destructoid's Jim Sterling recently listed the 10 golden rules to online gaming, and they are absolutely hilarious. Here's an excerpt of a few of them:

4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap:

Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap.

5: If you are losing, it is because of lag:

Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills.

Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good.

6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking:

Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking.

Check out the whole list here. Enjoy!

Let's say I break into your house

Again, whether or not this is true... it's still a VERY logical analogy.
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A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point: Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

Their point: "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:

• You are Required to let me stay in your house
• You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
• You are Required to Educate my kids
• You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family

(and my husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house. And what a deal it is for me!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you to learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so you can communicate with me.


Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America .

If you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it.

If not blow it off.... along with your future Social Security funds, and a lot of other things.

Just come clean already

Dan Le Batard, long time sports columnist for the Miami Herald and frequent visitor to PTI, wrote perhaps one of the best articles I've read concerning the whole steroid/performance enhancing issue - in baseball. Since the same standards seemingly do not apply to football players; see Shawne Merriman (aka Shawne Steroid-man), Rodney Harrison (aka A-Roidney Harrison), etc. But I digress...

Le Batard's article, Honesty about steroids would be refreshing, is excellent. Here's an excerpt:

Just one time, above all the noise from media members shaking their torches and pitchfork-wielding politicians following instead of leading, I'd like to hear one thoughtful athlete cut through the crud and say that he/she isn't sorry for anything other than this ridiculous hysteria surrounding our fun and games.

No more lame B-12 excuses. No more homespun ''I took human growth hormone just so that I could get back to aid my teammates, city, church and community.'' No more finger-wagging lies before Congress or 60 Minutes or federal grand juries.

Read the full article here. If you're a true sports fan you'll dig what Dan's shoveling.

Shoot 'Em Up

Shoot 'Em Up is such an over the top bullet-ridden action flick that I had to post a blurb about it. You may have heard about this great flick when it first came out. Likely from the controversy created by Politically Correct, ultra-conservative, gun banning wankers who took this movie waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.

Shoot 'Em Up is simultaneously a spoof of the guns blazing action genre while also paying homage to the "ballet of bullets" first created by the legendary John Woo. In fact, the inspiration for this movie came from Woo's cult classic, Hard Boiled. If you've ever seen a Woo movie you know EXACTLY what bullets and ballet have to do with each other.

Michael Davis' flick staring the insanely talented cast of Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci is fresh, dark, funny and rains bullets. To me it felt like an amalgamation of Woo's ballet, Robert Rodriquez's over the top "real" action sequences (i.e., the fantastic Desperado movies starring Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek), and the legendary bloodbaths of the incomparable Quentin Tarantino (i.e., the Kill Bill movies, etc.). It even had some "rawness" from Mel Gibson's Payback.

If you like action with your action flicks, still have a sense of humor, don't take life too seriously, don't think guns kill people (people kill people)... then this movie absolutely will not disappoint!

The Dallas Solution

True or not... this is hilarious.

The Dallas Solution...

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!

* Thanks for passing this along, Heather!