Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Perfect Timing

Let me set the stage here...

Monday night we went to sleep to rain and thunder and lightning. Woke up Tuesday morning to maybe an inch of snow on the ground. No big deal. Got to work on the south side of town, a mere 22 miles away mind you, where it rained all day long. It was not rain at our house up along the Palmer Divide. By the time we got home there was over a foot of snow. We couldn't get up the driveway in our four wheel drive Jeep (the one with new snow tires).

This was not your ordinary snow though... oh no, that would be far too easy. This snow was as wet and heavy as I can recall since we moved here. It was akin to the massive blizzard we had back in - say it with me now - April of 2003. And by wet and heavy, I mean SOAKING wet and heavier then a bag of f'ing rocks. Trees are literally bent over from the weight. And it was one of these bent over trees that apparently gave up the ghost in the middle of the night, snapped and pulled down a slew of power lines. Sometime overnight our power went out. When we left the house this morning for work, sans a shower or coffee - the two staples of every living humans morning routine, it was still out.

I proceeded to dig our way out of at least 18 inches of snow. I literally waded through a drift, because it felt like walking in water, that was mid-thigh. It took several attempts to get Krystle's truck out, then our Jeep unstuck. Thankfully most schools were closed so a good 60% of the cars that are normally on the road - weren't. But we still encountered more crashes (we counted 6) on our way to work then we've seen in a while. By the time we hit North Academy there wasn't a flake of snow to be seen. I mean ZERO snow. It's bizarre to have such a localized blizzard (because that's what it was) like that. That's what we get for living above 7200 feet I guess.

Despite all that... a more perfect set up for a vacation there never was. In 22 hours Fran and I will be on a plane heading to Jamaica where there is no snow to shovel, Arctic air to dodge, dogs to walk in a blizzard... nothing to worry about 'cept making sure the red flag is upright on the beach calling for another rum drenched beverage.

Ya'll have fun with this crap... we're outta here!

UPDATE: Power has been restored at the house. WHEW!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Headin' Down Jamaica Way

Apologies for not rambling of late. Been busier then a one armed paper hanger. Fran and I are less then 48 hours away from jetting off to the land of rum and pirates, also known as Jamaica (one of Jimmy Buffett's hang outs). We're gonna need a vacation just from getting ready to go ON vacation!

Which is great timing since Colorado is in the midst of one of their infamous spring (read: winter) storms. Apparently we're supposed to get upwards of 14 inches of snow by tomorrow night. Jamaica at 90 degrees is looking better and better every minute.

Anywho... I wanted to give a quick shout out to my dad - Happy Birthday! April is a busy month for our clan, what with mine on the 7th, my dad's on the 20th and Fran's on the 28th. Then Fran and I have our wedding anniversary on May 2nd (not 3rd as I originally posted, it's our THIRD anniversary).

Not entirely sure if we'll have Internet service down there in Negril, but if we do I'll post some updates when possible. Between the rum, Red Stripe and Cuban cigars, that might not be often. So if ya don't hear from us in a few weeks... send out the Coast Guard. Dem pirates got us!

Heroes returned last night after a short hiatus. For those of you who don't know what Heroes is all about, look it up. Just kidding, it's about superheroes. Think M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable. My buddy Steven shot me these parodies making the rounds on YouTube. Check 'em out, they are so funny you'll be in stitches!

Oh man, I'm still laughing! Those will NEVER get old.

Until next time... keep the sunscreen lathered up nice n' thick and the Red Stripes (or a Land Shark Lager if you're so inclined) cold. I'll see ya when we get back. That is... IF we come back! Ire, mon!

Friday, April 13, 2007

People are Stupid

There, I said it.

I dare someone - anyone - to argue with me. I double dog dare you! Billions of time each and every day this fact gets proven - repeatedly. But in you case you've forgotten, let me remind you of a few things that have happened near our "little village" recently.

1) A few months back a couple of real MENSA types decided it was a good idea to burn down a 135 unit apartment complex full of living, breathing human beings. Why did this happen? Because one of these worthless bags of skin had an argument with his girlfriend who lived there. She escaped the blaze, but two other people died and hundreds of others lost every possession they ever had.

2) A 28-year old woman down in Pueblo sold her 5-month old baby so she could buy a Dodge Intrepid. Yup, you read that right. If that weren't bad enough... she might actually get her baby back. What government agency thought this was a good idea? How could they even consider this a viable option? Not only should she not get her baby back, but she should have her tubes tied and never be allowed to conceive. EVER! But then, allowing people of this ilk - poor and stupid - (this is not ethnically driven all you Politically Correct saps) to reproduce for any reason just breeds (pardon the pun) a vicious cycle of poverty, government subsidized living (that we pay for) and wholesale idiocy. The chances of that baby turning out to actually be a productive member of society is slim to none. Things like this just reinforce my belief that to have a baby (all) humans should be required to take a test proving they are mentally, physically and financially capable of raising a child. We have tests for EVERYTHING under the sun, why not that? Humans have abused the right (one of many by the way) of having babies whenever they damn well please for far too long... it's time it got taken away.

3) A few weeks backs there was a 40 car pile up on I-25 around the Palmer Divide. Anyone who lives here KNOWS how treacherous that stretch of highway is. Let me set the stage: it's snowing so hard it looks like God decided to create another plague called the "Charmin toilet paper deluge"; the wind is hollowing louder than an Imus radio show; and it's icier then an Avalanche hockey arena. Exactly what has to take place for the dumb ass drivers in this state to understand TAILGATING is unacceptable? They should rename the state motto to: "The Tailgating State," or "Traffic Laws? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Traffic Laws State." I've been around the country, and I've seen a lot of drivers... but Colorado contains the worst I've ever seen.

4) The Colorado Springs Gazette has a new food critic by the name of Nathaniel Glen. He's such a good writer that he makes reading restaurant reviews funny. Two things that aren't usually associated with each other. But some people, the "Politically Correct" types that have too much free time on their hands and who want to energize the most mundane articles or topics with ________ (fill in the blank with politics, racism, religion, etc.) overtones where they most obviously aren't, just can't help themselves. Read Warren Epstein's comments at the beginning of today's Go Section, then head over to the Gazette Dining Blog to see the absurdity of what I'm referring to. Oh, and Nate... if you read this, get in touch with me - I want to buy you a beer! Cheers!

5) Don't even get me started on New Life Church's ex-gay-drug-buying-pastor, Ted Haggard. Or how the "counseling team" overseeing his "rehabilitation" says he's now completely healed and "completely heterosexual." Can someone even become ungay, let alone within a few short months? Would someone please step forward and explain exactly how that process occurs?

Expanding the net of stupidity...

Some dumb ass principle of a Jr. High school in Minnesota was arrested for - get this - selling crystal amphetamines OUT OF HIS OFFICE after school. Oh, but it gets better. Guess what the cops encountered when they arrived at the school to arrest him? He was naked, watching gay porn. IN HIS OFFICE.

Back at the beginning of March a 23-year old female middle school teacher in Clinton, South Carolina, was arrested for having sex with at least five of her male students. They were between the ages of 14 and 15.

See... stupid people are everywhere. They are of every race, color, creed, and religion. Stupidity doesn't play favorites. It's not swayed by bias. It just is.

STOP... er, "SOTP" the Madness!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Mad Man Goes to the Movies!

This Friday the next great "epic" period movie gets released. It's called Pathfinder.

A thousand years in the past, a young Norse boy is left behind after his clan shipwrecks on the Eastern shores. Despite his lineage, the boy is raised by the very Indians his kinsmen set out to destroy. Now, as the Vikings return to stage another barbaric raid on his village, the 25 year-old Norse warrior wages a personal war to stop the Vikings' trail of death and destruction. Forging his own path, his destiny is revealed and his identity re-claimed.

We watched an interesting "indie" flick this weekend called Unknown. Here's the synopsis: Five men wake up in a locked-down warehouse with no memory of who they are. They are forced to figure out who is good and who is bad to stay alive. It was absolutely riveting, and includes a plethora of top tier actors: James Caviezel, Greg Kinnear, Bridget Moynahan, Joe Pantoliano, Barry Pepper, Jeremy Sisto, and Peter Stormare.

It was released by The Weinstein Company, apparently a refuse for what looks to be some spectacular upcoming indie flicks. Previews before the movie showed a few that were particularly intriguing.

Fanboys: Four guys from the Midwest drive across the country to honor the wish of their dying friend: to watch "Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace" at George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch before the movie's worldwide release.

The Last Legion (go to The Weinstein Company site for more details): As the Roman empire crumbles, young Romulus Augustus flees the city and embarks on a perilous voyage to Britain to track down a legion of supporters.

And last but no least... 1408, a movie based on the short story by Stephen King, starring John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, and Mary McCormack.

Ooooh hell ya!

Monday, April 09, 2007

40th B-Day Bash Update

Ouch. It's taken me a few days to recover from that one.

OK, who the hell invited those pygmies to my party? My feet hurt. Feels like they were whacking those trusty 2x4's on the bottoms of my soles.

Seriously though - fun times! I want to say "thank you" to everyone who showed up, sent me cards (in some cases several!), well wishes, and/or presents... it was all very much appreciated.

There are lots of pictures, some incriminating, that I've put up on a Kodak Gallery. To most of my regular readers, you'll be getting an invite. For others... here's what I looked like opening some of those presents late into the evening.

Drunk much? Oy.

Welp, now that I'm on the downslope of that hill it should be smooth sailing the rest of the way. Right?

So... on with the show!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

I hear a clock ticking somewhere. I can even hear it in my sleep. No, seriously. Why is that?

Is it because I'll be the Big Four Oooooh in less than two days?!

I felt like this guy when I woke up this morning. What's that all about anyway? Seriously, there are mornings now that I wake up from a "restful" nights sleep only to feel like I've had my ass kicked by a tribe of African pygmies armed with tiny two by fours. They really like me knees and back. Little bastards.

Remember back to your 20's... when you could rebel rouse with the best of them - for days on end no less, get little to no sleep, and still carry on like a damn Tasmanian Devil? Ya, I do to. But the (not really so) funny thing is - I can't if I don't take my Ginkgo biloba. No, seriously. Without that lil ancient Chinese secret I'd be about as useful as a neutered stud horse.

A few years ago I was fond of the term "Age is only a number." Ya, well... it's a crock. Age may only be a number, but the body hates that the number keeps increasing every year.

As many of you know I'm a tried-n-true "gym rat." I've been working out for more then half my life now. It used to be that working out was all about getting big and strong, lifting the most weight humanly possible without injecting horse hormones in my ass. Now, I do it to lift my ass out of bed every morning without feeling like those pygmies got to me. How pathetic.

I think I heard 'em the other night trying to break into my house. Those little bastards.

Tell ya what though, I'm not going down without a fight. No way. Clenched right fist ready to swing, clenched beer in my left ready to swig.

I mean... this is a pretty good look for me as I enter my twilight years, right?

OK, gotta run... there's a clock ticking somewhere that needs a lickin'. Hopefully it's not a Timex.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Did anyone check the oil?

A lot of folks can't understand How we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in: Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas,
, Pennsylvania and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington , DC !!!!

Any Questions?

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Turning Over a New Leaf

My new favorite sports bar is now Indigo Joe's which just opened last week over on Barnes and Powers. Aside from having over 32 plasma High Def screens everywhere, they also have - get this - 32 ounce mugs. They're frakkin' gigantic. After downing 3 of those (Nay had four) plus a comparatively tiny bottle of Pyramid Hefe and Great Divide Raspberry Wheat, needless to say there was much drunken discourse while we watched the Gators put a choke hold on UCLA (that was an ugly game). During our drunkenness the Assistant Manger Craig, who looks and sounds a lot like a slimmed down version of Chris Farley, informed us that they may possibly be getting 44 ounce mugs soon. Woooo Nelly! Ya, like I need a 44 ouncer (or three) sitting in front of me.

Plus they had one of the coolest things I've seen in some time. Ya know how you go to sports bars to watch your favorite team play? But usually they only have one game (that you could care less about) with the volume up loud enough? Indigo Joe's has a little gadget reminiscent of the the old drive in speaker boxes. This wireless speaker box gets dropped off at your table and can be changed to any one of the games being played. You can even turn up or lower the volume. Very cool! We might be cancelling our DirecTV this year and hanging out at Indigo Joe's!

On a different note... I've had a few "rousing" "discussions" on a few forums that I frequent recently and it's come to my attention that I'm somewhat of an opinionated chap. Stubborn at times too. Some have even called me racist. So, after partaking in what amounted to an incredibly obnoxious amount of beer imbibing and soul searching last night I've decided to become a gentler soul. Less Mad Man, more Compassionate Man. Kinda like the Dalai Lama.

No, hell has not frozen over. But as I approach 40 (less than a week away now) I figured now is as good a time as any to stop being so critical and judgmental, and just do what the Dalai would do, ya know? Um... April Fools!

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha! FRAK THAT! Are you kidding me? Ya, the world needs another spineless, bleeding heart puke (not saying the Dalia is that mind you) unwilling to stand up and shout out the vulgar wrongs of our society.

As I always say "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."

By the way, if you're curious about the history behind April Fools' Day, check it out here.