Friday, September 21, 2007

Hey... YOU!

Ya, I'm talking you to you Mr. Conservative Head Up my Arse Coloradoan.

* Thanks for the image Steven!

Friday, September 14, 2007


There was an article in Tuesday's Gazette entitled, "Manly Men Get Waxed" that, for many reasons, I take serious offense with. Gee, imagine that.

First off... I haven't seen too many burly, macho men IN Colorado Springs. Sorry, ponytails (which seems to be the fashion of choice for men's hairstyles in Colorado) do NOT make one burly or macho. The guy in the picture to the left? No offense to the guy... NOT burly or macho. Sorry.

Secondly, the whole concept that men should have to traipse into a spa (which according to Man Law immediately revokes your Man Card) to get "manscaped" is absurd. Between this whole ungodly "metrosexual" movement (i.e., Nivea for Men Double Action Face Wash... WTF?! What happened to good ole soap and water you panty waists?!?!) and everything else our society is trying to do to erode our manhood... no thanks! You don't see me going around saying, "Hey lady, why don't you go get those saggy boobs fixed?" or "Wow, those crow's feet at the corner of your eyes sure are hideous, why don't you have them erased?" or "Hey, you might wanna call in the landscapers to do something about your mustache. And the forest growing on your legs."

That's society telling you to do that. A society that is absolutely obsessed with requiring people to look like Roman gods of yore. And these so called spas and product whores are sucking it up like Lindsay Lohan sucks up alcohol.

Like the Miller Lite commercials proclaim: men should act like men! Not some dainty, petite little waif that has to have his back waxed or his digits manicured. What would your sword wielding ancestors think of you now!?

Flawless skin? As long as their isn't a gaping, oozing hole in my face that makes me look like the Elephant Man this guy ain't gettin' no foo-foo face treatment with stuff that should be on a salad.

It's bad enough that we have the term metrosexual (defined as: a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males) at all - and tons of "men" who actually embrace this lifestyle with a passion, but I will not abide “manscaping,” which Melissa Cassutt (author of the article) defines as: the art of transforming men’s hairy bodies into something manageable.

Sorry ladies... if you don't like the genetic disposition that God gave us - TOO DAMN BAD! Hey, I'm all for looking clean cut and having a respectable appearance... no one should go around looking like some damn homeless bum, but this whole manscaping thing is a complete joke. I've had my back waxed! Twice! A very long time ago (I had to earn my Man Card back because of it too!). It will never ever happen again. How painful was it? Watch the clip below from the hilarious movie 40 Year Old Virgin. That's EXACTLY what having your hair ripped out en mass by its roots feels like.

Manscape this!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Mexican 300

As you all know I'm a huge fan of the movie 300. Well... as awesome as that movie was, this one looks better. And a whole lot funnier!


* Thanks for passing that on, Larry! Dude... it's hilarious!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Spelling Bee Drop Out

On our way to work this morning, taking our usual route southbound on I-25 through Colorado Springs, Fran and I noticed that the electronic road signs were proclaiming the following warning to motorists: "Caution: Uneven payment."

Uneven payment, huh?

Wondering what drunken baboon was at the controls of the verbiage on the signs I got to work and immediately Googled the term to make sure I was in fact right about the baboon. I was. There is no such construction term as "uneven payment." It's UNEVEN PAVEMENT you friggin' retarded monkey! And we actually pay these people money?

Or... could this be a message from a disgruntled employee perhaps refering to uneven payments by the city to the construction company? Hmmmm... the saga deepens.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

A Sporting Diatribe

Is anyone else sick and tired of hearing pro golfers bitch about how tough it is to play a recreational activity that most normal people do to relax from work? Come on! I've said it before... golf is not a sport. I'm not saying it's not hard, it's just not a sport in any way shape or form. Speaking of shapes: John Daly. When this guy can be called an athlete with a straight face you know things are out of whack. Take a gander at this physical specimen. He drinks, smokes, eats like a glutton, and has a gambling habit. He's an athlete? Not only that, but look at how he's dressed! That is not a uniform people. It's an outfit you can wear into a 5 star restaurant. GOLF IS NOT A SPORT!

Thus, Tiger Woods can kiss my 9 iron when he says how tough it is to play in consecutive weeks. Dude, you're not even carrying your own clubs! You're married to a Swedish bikini model, own your own island and have more money then God. Your "job" is to hit a little ball with a little stick and then leisurely walk to it. You do this over and over until it goes into a little hole. Give me a break. How about you go and dig a ditch with a shovel 8 hours a day, 5 days a week so you can get back in touch with reality. Tough? You don't know tough. You're not an athlete and you don't play a sport.

Next... baseball (actually all of sports in general), and the ever expanding performance enhancement scandal. All you people who have been hypocritically railing Barry Bonds (and I'm calling out more than one - you and you in particular - of the so called "sports columnists" at the Gazette on this one) as the only player partaking of "flaxseed oil" - how's it feel to have a face full of pie? All you morons who thought Barry (who has YET to be factually linked or fail a test) was the only one taking performance enhancing drugs have apparently been living most of your lives with your head buried in the sand. The numbers we've been hearing over the last few years from the likes of Jose Canseco in regards to the number of players taking something is panning out to be true. Hell, I bet it's even higher then that; I bet it's MOST professional athletes in ALL sports.

Look at last year, when Shawne Merri-roid-man (he of the astounding sack and tackle totals) of the San Diego Charges was fully BUSTED for taking steroids. Dude gets a 4 game ban and NO ONE says anything? What happened to the Yankees first basemen Jason Giambi? He admitted to taking them, implicated others, and he vanishes into the background? Now we have Rick Ankiel (seen left) - the feel good story of the year, and Troy Glaus, two of the "cleanest" cut players in baseball factually linked to taking HGH! And why the hell isn't anyone questioning the integrity of Alex Rodriguez (a.k.a. by me as A-Roid)? Dude all but breaks his ankle, has an MRI and then goes out and hits 2 home runs a few hours later? Compare his size when he came into the league to his girth today. He, along with the likes of Miguel Cabrera (of the Florida Marlins) - he of the tripling body mass in a few short years (sound familiar?) - need to be seriously questioned about what kind of supplementation they are on.

Point is... if you're gonna rail Barry, you need to rail all of baseball (and all of sports really, since doping is prevalent in track and field, cycling, football, etc.). You might start with Bud Selig, who knew all of this was going on but turned a blind eye because he needed all those dingers (remember the world famous home run chase between McGwire and Sosa?) to bring baseball back to the masses after the strike. "The Steroid-Era" has been going on since the late 80's people. This is not a new phenomena. And bonds most certainly was not the only one doing it.

You blind-eyed-as-Selig detractors out there realize what steroids do, right? Oh sure, we can look at the professional wrestlers and marvel at their enhanced (through chemistry) physique, but aside from putting on mass, do you know what the REAL benefit is? Fast recovery time. Now, I wonder what type of baseball player would benefit most from a fast recovery time. Hmmm... pitchers maybe? Pitchers, who contort their arm in positions that it was never meant to be in. Hmmm... imagine that.

While we're on the subject of Barry bashing the homer record... here's something I found to be rather interesting. As every knowledgeable baseball fan knows, the right handed batter Hank Aaron (and I'm not taking ANYTHING away from the man as he is one of the best baseball players of all time) started his career in 1954 with the Milwaukee Braves (who played at Milwaukee County Stadium). Did you know that the dimensions at this ballpark changed considerably during his tenure there? In 1954 the left field dimensions (which is where Hammerin' Hank would naturally hit most of his homers because he's was a right handed batter) ranged from 320 at the foul pole to 410 in dead center. In 1960 portions of the left field wall changed (left field went out 9 feet), while left center and dead center moved in by 5 feet and 8 feet respectively. Bonds has also benefited from an era where shrinking ball parks are the norm. All I'm saying is, it started much further back then most realize.

Then there's the topic of the "juiced" ball in the last 20 years. When the likes of NONAME PLAYER hits double digit homers when he never hit more then single digits... come on. Back in January a news report broke (and was basically swept under the rug) that proved the balls used during McGwire and Sosa's home run tear were in fact "juiced."

Now let's talk about Babe Ruth (again, not taking anything away from the man as he too is one of the greatest of all time). But let's put a few things into perspective. Back when he played there were far fewer players in baseball. Meaning, there were FAR fewer pitchers tossing the ball. Not only that, but there was no such thing as middle relievers, lefty one-hitter specialists, or closers. Ruth, who was also a pitcher of great renown during his time, would have seen the same pitchers (who pitched 9 full innings multiple times a week) ALL THE TIME. It is a fact that the more you see the same pitcher (especially one gets tired much quicker by throwing all 9 innings multiple times a week) will be less difficult to hit then seeing the hundreds of pitchers (lefty specialists, middle relievers, etc.) players must face today. Fact.

So basically... all you bigoted, hypocritical Bonds haters - get over yourself. Get over your homeresque emotions and tendencies and consider ALL the facts, not just the ones you want to believe. You're as bad for the game (and all of sports) as Bud Selig.