Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Letter to Luke

Dear Mr. Skywalker,

My name is Dav Larteeg. I don’t think you know me. I’ve been with the Rebellion for a while now, but mostly as a low-level worker, far away from the five or six people at the top. I did fly a B-Wing in the battle of Endor, but I believe you were elsewhere at the time.

Anyway, the Empire is defeated! Hooray! I am on the New Republic Council, working to bring democracy back to the galaxy. It’s pretty challenging. And I understand you’re busy bringing back the Jedi.

Which brings me to my point here. Please don’t. I don’t want to seem unappreciative of what you’ve done for the Rebellion. Turning off your targeting computer when you were in range of the Death Star’s exhaust port so that there was a good chance of missing the crucial shot was an act that…well, it won’t be forgotten for a while. And since then, you’ve done a heck of a job rescuing people so they could come back and help us out. I’m glad this was something you could do in between all your Jedi training.

But let’s not dwell on the past, at least not yet. Right now the present is important, for the future of the galaxy! And we on the Council are a little concerned about this plan of yours to bring back the Jedi.

It’s not that we don’t want a group of highly dogmatic warrior-priests dispensing justice through amputation. Nor is it the fact that the only force that can keep them in check when they go off the rails is each other. It’s just that…well, let’s be honest here, Mr. Skywalker. While a Jedi might (or might not, the jury’s kind of still out on that, I’m afraid) have gotten us out of this whole Empire mess, a whole group of them got us into it. The track record of the Jedi just isn’t so hot.

You weren’t born yet when the Emperor rose to power, so maybe you don’t know all of this information. I know that Obi-Wan Kenobi has told you about Jedi history, but then again, Obi-Wan Kenobi says a lot of things, doesn’t he? Did he mention that some of the greatest Jedi in history didn’t see the Emperor when he was literally right under their nose? Count Dooku told pretty much the whole plan to Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he and the Jedi just shrugged it off. I’m pretty sure Kenobi neglected to mention that to you. Likewise, I’m sure he probably forgot about how the Jedi were handed an army out of nowhere, on a planet somehow hidden from them, under mysterious and suspicious circumstances, and happily accepted it, no questions asked. An army of clones, too, because living beings bred solely to fight and die for the government is far more “civilized” than droids. Although some might call the actions of the Jedi as the Emperor rose to power “criminally stupid,” let me assure you I am not one of them.

And I know this is a touchy subject for you, but please hear me out. No one is more overjoyed than I that you were, at the last minute and long after many people gave their lives fighting (people, not clones), able to turn your father back to the side of good. Obi-Wan was wise to lie to you about Darth Vader being your father so that you couldn’t confront him any earlier. I understand that because he didn’t like seeing his son roasted alive (more on this in a moment, sir), the Force has forgiven him for all the people he mercilessly destroyed. You must be very proud! But let’s not forget how he got in that situation, shall we? He was discovered by Qui-Gon Jinn, a Jedi who was best known for both piercing the veil of the afterworld and using the Force to cheat at gambling. Qui-Gon was the one who brought this loose cannon into the Council, and the Council reluctantly agreed to train him, handing him over to a Jedi who’d been a master for…well, I’m not sure what time it was when Obi-Wan was tapped as Anakin’s master, so I can’t tell you how many hours. They then proceeded to treat the boy like the unwanted stepchild he was, practically driving him into Palpatine’s arms. The Jedi Council’s lack of concern when your father slaughtered an entire tribe of sand people to avenge his mother’s death makes one wonder if they even knew about it. Regardless, my point here is that it was the combined wisdom and power of the Jedi Council who helped Anakin seek friendship and acceptance from the Sith Lord, Darth Sideous. And don’t get me started on the celibacy policy of a group that’s harnessed a genetic ability…

I think I’ve made my point, sir. Please forgive my forwardness, but I’m just not sure we really want these people back. And it’s not just me, a lot of us here on the Council are starting to think we’re better off without sanctioned, trained killers with repressed emotions. Maybe we’re just filled with hubris after our Jedi-less victory at Endor. I’m sure you recall how Obi-Wan dismembered a guy in a bar for hassling you, right? This “lop off arms first and ask questions later” policy was pretty much Jedi Standard Operating Procedure. (For the record, the Prosthetic Limbs Lobby is very keen on having the Jedi return.) Random acts of violence aside, we have our own soldiers now. We have repulsorlift technology that allows us to make things float without invoking mystical powers. General Calrissian is full of information on how to lie and cheat without an unwavering spiritual commitment. We’re just not sure that skills passed down from a guy who walked away from his “best friend” and “brother” as a torso that was roasting alive are what the Republic really needs at this point. I think we’re ready to take our own destiny into our own hands. The Council urges you to reconsider your decision to bring back the Jedi, Mr. Skywalker.

Dav Larteeg
New Republic Council

PS - To be fair, though, I hear you can channel Master Yoda. Now him, we might be interested in talking to.


LMAO! Thanks for passing that along to me, Joe!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

People are Stupid, Part II

Following up on a post I made last April about how "People are Stupid"... Well, the stupidity hasn't slowed down. Here are two new people to boot around, all local to Colorado Springs:

Maria Darlene Joseph (who also has an alias of Maria Darlene Gardner)... the "stupid" 25 year old white trash of a human being who has 5 kids ages 16 months, 3, 5, 8, and 9. FIVE KIDS AT THE AGE OF TWENTY FIVE? Maria "allegedly" (I so hate that PC term) poured gasoline on them and then set them on fire. The 16-month old baby died at the scene while the other 4 are in critical condition. IF they make it, how screwed up are they going to be? Not just physically, but mentally? Are they ever going to have a normal life? Unlikely. Which means you and I will be taking care of them through our taxpayer dollars for the rest of their lives. Read the whole gut-wrenching story here.

Why am I so "mean"? Because some one has to. Somewhere along the line this world has become so Politically Inept (notice the change in verbiage from "correct" to "inept") that we've seriously lost our way. At some point SOON a law is going to have to be made that suspends "freedom of having children." And I'm not just talking about this country, I'm talking globally. Why are people in impoverished, drought stricken, diseased riddled, no-hope Third World Countries allowed to have ANY kids? If they stopped having litters of children the rampant poverty, filth and disease in those countries would vanish almost overnight. It's a simple matter of logic people.

And what about Maria Darlene... whatever her last name is? I'm sorry, a 25 year old with 5 kids all under the age of 9? That means she had her first one at 16. Veeeeeeery nice.

Having children should be made a privilege. Why? We've abused the "right" for far too long. In order to have kids one should have to prove mentally, physically and financially that YOU can support them. YOU, not the government. Welfare fraud is rampant. Have a baby, get more money. That's the mentality of these scum bags. The vicious cycle has to stop or we're all in trouble.

Moving on to the next "scholar"...

Scott Anthony Gomez, Jr., is suing the Pueblo County Jail. Mr. Gomez (and I use the term "Mr." very loosely here) is seeking an unspecified amount of money, claiming authorities "did next to nothing to ensure that the jail was secure and that the Plaintiff could not escape." That's right, this scum bag inmate is suing the jail because it was too easy to escape. Can you !*@&%# believe that?! Oh, there's more to it - such as he was "allegedly" beaten by deputies and inmates alike (I bet he was beaten by inmates) that prompted him to escape. Gee, that's like saying he found God during his stay in jail. They all miraculously do, don't they? Give me a break.

Why are we wasting our time and tax payer money on this waste of human flotsam again? Trot him out back, "take care" of the problem and be done with it. Why do the spineless jellyfish of this world (Politically Inept Automatons) insist on giving criminal's rights (there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one) when those criminals so egregiously and wantonly disregarded the rights of others in order to be put into jail? The madness needs to stop or we're all in trouble.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The "Dysfunctional" Minute Man

Dysfunction is described as: any malfunctioning part or element.

How can something be a "dysfunction" when every man on the planet seems to be affected by the exact same thing? Wouldn't that be called... normal?

How do I know it's every man? Why, the endless number of drugs on the market and the deluge of advertisements that constantly bombard us on television, radio and in print of course. If you take all the media hype as fact then "Erectile Dysfunction" ("E.D." for the virginal ears of television viewers) must be a global pandemic the likes of The Black Death. According to those trying to sell you a stiffy it's a "disease" that must be eradicated at all costs. God forbid we should be afflicted by a flaccid phallus.

Seriously, has anyone ever met a single guy who can go at it like the damn Energizer Bunny? Oh, you have? So you were present to watch his heroic feats of hedonism? No you weren't. All you have is the word of that person, undoubtedly infused with ego, alcohol - or both. The only time you actually ever "see" people engaging in endless hours of sack soaking, head banging sex is in movies - porn or otherwise. Which of course is completely fake.

So basically what we're being told is that the inability to replicate the actions of a porn star and not have a woody that lasts 6 hours is now considered a "dysfunction" in our society.

Is it really a "dysfunction"or is it a myth cooked up by the opportunistic pharmaceutical industry? One of the two special interest groups (the other being oil) that essentially run this country... and are continually out to screw us.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Apocalypse is Nigh!

My buddy Steven just dropped this movie trailer on me.


The Internet Movie Database describes Doomsday as such:
Great Britain, 2007. A deadly plague, known as the "Reaper Virus," has broken out, killing hundreds of thousands in its wake. In desperation, the British Government evacuates as many survivors as it can out of the infected area, and then builds a wall, preventing the remainder from escaping. Thirty years later, with the wall still up and the victims all but forgotten, the virus breaks out again. The Government decides to send a crack team of operatives, led by Major Eden Sinclair, into the hot zone to investigate the possibility of a cure.

It's directed by Neil Marshall (the guy who made the fantastically scary indie movie The Descent), so I have high hopes! Based on the trailer it looks like a combo between 28 Days Later and The Road Warrior movies, and Escape from New York. Just a few of my fave flicks of all time! I can see the tag lines now: "The Road Warriorette... 28 days of the month!"

I'm a post-apocalyptic fiction nutter. I love any book, story, comic, movie, TV show, video game, etc., that deals with the end of the world. This flick is right up my alley! Can't wait!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Ten Golden Rules of Online Gaming

Destructoid's Jim Sterling recently listed the 10 golden rules to online gaming, and they are absolutely hilarious. Here's an excerpt of a few of them:

4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap:

Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap.

5: If you are losing, it is because of lag:

Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills.

Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good.

6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking:

Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking.

Check out the whole list here. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Let's say I break into your house

Again, whether or not this is true... it's still a VERY logical analogy.

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:
Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

Their point:
"I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:

  • You are Required to let me stay in your house
  • You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
  • You are Required to Educate my kids
  • You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family

(and my husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house. And what a deal it is for me!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you to learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America .

If you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it.

If not blow it off....
along with your future Social Security funds, and a lot of other things.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Just come clean already

Dan Le Batard, long time sports columnist for the Miami Herald and frequent visitor to PTI, wrote perhaps one of the best articles I've read concerning the whole steroid/performance enhancing issue - in baseball. Since the same standards seemingly do not apply to football players; see Shawne Merriman (aka Shawne Steroid-man), Rodney Harrison (aka A-Roidney Harrison), etc. But I digress...

Le Batard's article, Honesty about steroids would be refreshing, is excellent. Here's an excerpt:
Just one time, above all the noise from media members shaking their torches and pitchfork-wielding politicians following instead of leading, I'd like to hear one thoughtful athlete cut through the crud and say that he/she isn't sorry for anything other than this ridiculous hysteria surrounding our fun and games.

No more lame B-12 excuses. No more homespun ''I took human growth hormone just so that I could get back to aid my teammates, city, church and community.'' No more finger-wagging lies before Congress or 60 Minutes or federal grand juries.

Read the full article here. If you're a true sports fan you'll dig what Dan's shoveling.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Shoot 'Em Up

Shoot 'Em Up is such an over the top bullet-ridden action flick that I had to post a blurb about it. You may have heard about this great flick when it first came out. Likely from the controversy created by Politically Correct, ultra-conservative, gun banning wankers who took this movie waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.

Shoot 'Em Up is simultaneously a spoof of the guns blazing action genre while also paying homage to the "ballet of bullets" first created by the legendary John Woo. In fact, the inspiration for this movie came from Woo's cult classic, Hard Boiled. If you've ever seen a Woo movie you know EXACTLY what bullets and ballet have to do with each other.

Michael Davis' flick staring the insanely talented cast of Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci is fresh, dark, funny and rains bullets. To me it felt like an amalgamation of Woo's ballet, Robert Rodriquez's over the top "real" action sequences (i.e., the fantastic Desperado movies starring Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek), and the legendary bloodbaths of the incomparable Quentin Tarantino (i.e., the Kill Bill movies, etc.). It even had some "rawness" from Mel Gibson's Payback.

If you like action with your action flicks, still have a sense of humor, don't take life too seriously, don't think guns kill people (people kill people)... then this movie absolutely will not disappoint!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Dallas Solution

True or not... this is hilarious.

The Dallas Solution...

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's
, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps
and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"


Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!

* Thanks for passing this along, Heather!