Friday, September 14, 2007


There was an article in Tuesday's Gazette entitled, "Manly Men Get Waxed" that, for many reasons, I take serious offense with. Gee, imagine that.

First off... I haven't seen too many burly, macho men IN Colorado Springs. Sorry, ponytails (which seems to be the fashion of choice for men's hairstyles in Colorado) do NOT make one burly or macho. The guy in the picture to the left? No offense to the guy... NOT burly or macho. Sorry.

Secondly, the whole concept that men should have to traipse into a spa (which according to Man Law immediately revokes your Man Card) to get "manscaped" is absurd. Between this whole ungodly "metrosexual" movement (i.e., Nivea for Men Double Action Face Wash... WTF?! What happened to good ole soap and water you panty waists?!?!) and everything else our society is trying to do to erode our manhood... no thanks! You don't see me going around saying, "Hey lady, why don't you go get those saggy boobs fixed?" or "Wow, those crow's feet at the corner of your eyes sure are hideous, why don't you have them erased?" or "Hey, you might wanna call in the landscapers to do something about your mustache. And the forest growing on your legs."

That's society telling you to do that. A society that is absolutely obsessed with requiring people to look like Roman gods of yore. And these so called spas and product whores are sucking it up like Lindsay Lohan sucks up alcohol.

Like the Miller Lite commercials proclaim: men should act like men! Not some dainty, petite little waif that has to have his back waxed or his digits manicured. What would your sword wielding ancestors think of you now!?

Flawless skin? As long as their isn't a gaping, oozing hole in my face that makes me look like the Elephant Man this guy ain't gettin' no foo-foo face treatment with stuff that should be on a salad.

It's bad enough that we have the term metrosexual (defined as: a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males) at all - and tons of "men" who actually embrace this lifestyle with a passion, but I will not abide “manscaping,” which Melissa Cassutt (author of the article) defines as: the art of transforming men’s hairy bodies into something manageable.

Sorry ladies... if you don't like the genetic disposition that God gave us - TOO DAMN BAD! Hey, I'm all for looking clean cut and having a respectable appearance... no one should go around looking like some damn homeless bum, but this whole manscaping thing is a complete joke. I've had my back waxed! Twice! A very long time ago (I had to earn my Man Card back because of it too!). It will never ever happen again. How painful was it? Watch the clip below from the hilarious movie 40 Year Old Virgin. That's EXACTLY what having your hair ripped out en mass by its roots feels like.

Manscape this!


Anonymous said...

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. - Mark Twain The Woolly Mammoth look is extinct.

Anonymous said...

Two space between Twain and The, seems leave your comment can't even do that right either.

Anonymous said...

Yep! Men do act like men after they drink more beer than they should. Beer men think they aren't drunk until they get tazed by local law enforcement. Actually, if you've ever watch a drunk man being tazed, he is acting like men who act like men. That would make for a great beer commercial.

Anonymous said...

As a woman, I totally disagree. Men should get manscaped. If you expect women to get shaved (and I haven't met a man yet who didn't expect it)then you should return the favor. If you think women like the hairy look you're wrong. You don't have to wax necessarily, but if you aren't trimming down, it's gross.

Eli the Mad (Beer) Man said...

Apparently those harping against me failed to actually READ the post, so let me refresh their far-too manicured minds.

I said: Hey, I'm all for looking clean cut and having a respectable appearance... no one should go around looking like some damn homeless bum, but this whole manscaping thing is a complete joke.

That means I don't have to traipse into a spa and have someone else do the dirty work. I don't need my back waxed, my digits pampered or my eye brows plucked. MEN don't "need" that. High maintenance women just want them to think they need it. Specially ones running spas.

See, I'm more than capable of doing that myself. And I do (with the help of my loving wife of course). As I said (see above) no one should go around looking like a homeless werewolf bum. But men who go into a spa to get manscaped and don't do it themselves are, well.. lets face it - less then manly. In fact, calling them "men" is like calling an elephant a Wolly Mammoth. Oh sure, they may look similar, but we all know who the REAL Proboscidea (look it up) is. ;)

Anonymous said...

If you didn't have your "loving wife" and you were hoping to catch the eye of a woman AND keep it, I know you would sing a diferent tune.