Ramblings of a Mad Man Reboot

So you’re probably thinking to yourself… Self, Eli hasn’t updated his Ramblings in like, a year! And you’d be right, he hasn’t. That’s because he’s busy… busy being an alcoholic, er, I mean, a Beer Columnist, blogger, Web Tv host/producer/whatever. In all seriousness, I don’t think the guy could become an alcoholic even if he wanted too. I’ve seen him max out a breathalyzer and still be halfway functional, whereas mere mortals such as you or myself with the same BAC would look something like this...

Exactly… I hate him too.

So now you’re probably thinking… Self, who’s this guy? Why is he here?

The Name is Steven Brown, AKA Oh Ye of Common Name. I really got boned on the original name front, there's probably fewer people named Joe Smith out there. I was gonna change my name once, but Optimus Megatron Superfly Spartan Manpower Sex Machine Mclovin Prime wouldn’t fit in the space provided. So I bugged outta there. I’m an all or nothin’ kinda guy. I sometimes go by the moniker Stevie Chips, cause my Father’s mother’s maiden name was Chips and it sounds kinda mafia-ish… or not. Well to me at least it does, and my self delusions are all that really matter.

So why am I here? Good question! I was sitting in my car the other day, eating my lunch, listening to Bubba the Love Sponge on the radio, scraping the last remnants of yogurt out of the cup (because fat people like me eat yogurt in a vain attempt to delude ourselves into thinking we’re eating healthy), when I had an epiphany. It said, “Hey… Eli hasn’t updated his Ramblings in like, a year!” I know, right, thinking the same thing? Pretty cool huh? Whatever…

So I jump on AIM (Cause it’s such a trendy IM program) and chat it up with my old Amigo of 20+ years and say “Dude! Since you’ve pretty much abandoned Ramblings, mind if I sub-lease?” And he said, “Fuck off, I’m drinking.” And I said “You’re always drinking. I think you have a problem.” And he said “It’s my job bitch!” So I said, “Ok, so can I or what?” and he said “Watch where you’re driving asshole!” and I said, “What?” and he said “Some dick just cut me off!” and I said “So you’re drinking, driver and texting me what you’re yelling at someone else?” And he said “what?” and I said “Huh?” and he said “What?” and I said “ok, so can I?” And he said “What?” and I said “Sub lease Ramblings” and he said “Sure, I guess.”

And here I am!

Ok, so he didn’t REALLY say all that, but it’s more exciting than the truth. I asked, he said ok, and here I am. See? Boring!

So what am I going to do here? Well, it’s called Ramblings and right now I’m rambling, right? So maybe later I’ll do a movie review, or a beer review? Or a Beer and Movie Review… I’ll call it a Brewvie! What? Eli already does those on Confessions? Damn, ok maybe I’ll just review local Breweries of my area, the San Francisco Bay Area, or just restaurants in general when I go, or just rambling musings like this, or perhaps rant about some shit that irks me (like a LOT of things!) , or other some such nonsense. We’ll see what happens as it happens. I needed an outlet for an over active ADD brain and this is it.

So does anyone still come here? Eli said Ramblings was actually getting a lot of traffic of late and my request to take the reins and drive a bit couldn't have been better timing. Let me know if you're out there, or if you’re even still reading this, cause truthfully I already tuned out about 3-4 paragraphs ago and I’m typing on autopilot.

And fear not, Old Eli will probably stick his neck in here once in a while to make sure I'm not burning the place down or anything, and maybe drop a "Hey now" post while he's here.

So maybe later if'n I figure it out, Imma gonna try to attach this thing to my Facebook page (cause all trendy Bloggers do that right?). But be warned, if you want to friend me, better send a comment saying you’re a Ramblings fan cause I’m a dick and I don’t accept unknown/unsolicited friend requests. Also if you’re just looking for some schmuck to fertilize your garden in Farmville or buy some shit bling bling in Yoville or adopt some cute virtual baby tiger cub from your Zoo, well then you’re shit out luck. I have all garbage hidden. I can’t see them, so fuck off Farmville. Water your own damn garden.

Til next time, if there is one, Stevie Chips out…

Shift Happens!

Things that make ya go, hmmm...



Apparently this was a presentation given back in June of 2008 for a Sony BMG executive meeting. Thanks to my buddy James for passing this on to me. Really interesting stuff here people! So after watching it... what does it all mean? Come back here and let me know.

The write-in candidate for President

There's yet another Internet message zipping across the information superhighway that claims to be from the legendary comedian, Bill Cosby. While I absolutely agree 100% with said message, look it up on Snopes.com - it's not from Bill Cosby.

Here's the message:

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it..

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't getting nuttin out. The President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids.. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

The country was founded on certain principals – let’s get back to them! GOD BLESS AMERICA ..

How many zeros in a billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D. C

HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration T ax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to
press '1'
for English.


What the hell happened?????

Political Shenanigans

Why are the politicians trying to bail out the source of the economic problem when they should be bailing out the American people? Why is the government giving money to the very institutions that got us into this economic mess in the first place?

If they government wants to fix this problem, lowering key interest rates and giving BILLIONS of dollars to banks who made all the bad decisions in the first place won't do it. The continual, daily free fall of the stock market proves that. Erasing their debt isn't fair.

If they REALLY want to fix the problem... erase OUR debt. If they're going to clean slate anybody or anything, why aren't they clean slating our mortgages, many of which are bad and given out knowingly in bad faith in the first place. Erasing our mortgages would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY benefit consumers by DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY putting more money in our pocket, which in turn would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY improve consumer confidence and DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY revitalize our economy.

How many years is this supposed bailout, written by "experts", supposed to take? Far too long to do anyone any good.

Why bail out the scum bags who put us in this position in the first place? Why are we giving THEM more of OUR money? If we're already in a free fall -- and we are -- why not do something drastic? Desperate times -- and these are desperate times -- call for desperate measures.

It's time the politicians (all of them) pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses and started doing what our Founding Fathers intended... serve we the people.