Ramblings of a Mad Man

As Unreal as it gets

2011-03-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

Last week at the Game Developers Conference in San Francisco things got... well, unreal.

Epic Games - makers of Bulletstorm (which I'm having a lot of fun playing through now), as well as the Unreal and Gears of War games - released one helluva an impressive tech demo showing off the latest version of their Unreal Engine 3. Take a gander at what you can expect to see in games, soon:

Yup... bad ass!

Bad, bad, bad teacher

2011-03-01T10:01:00.001-07:00

Cameron Diaz is a funny actress. I've liked her in virtually everything she's been in. I do not however find her overly attractive. Much the same way I don't find Scarlett Johansson overly attractive. Ya, you read that right. I just don't get her hotness factor. There's something about Diaz's overly large face and wide mouth. To me attractive is Minka Kelly and Jennifer Aniston, but that's a post for another time. Back to Cameron Diaz...

Every interview I've ever seen her in provides further proof that she is one of the most down to earth stars in Hollywood. She seems like one of the guys. And her new movie "Bad Teacher" (due out June 17) might be her funniset movie yet. With a cast that includes Justin "I'm a movie star now" Timberlake, the chubby sales lady from "The Office," and that one guy from "How I Met Your Mother"... well, take a look at the trailer. I laugh my ass off - "LMAO" for those who need text speak to get through the day - every time I watch it.

WARNING: The following video contains material that is waaaaay inappropriate for anyone under the age of 17.

Hey, if vulgar movies starring guys can be hits - do I need to list them all? - why can't a vulgar movie starring a gal be a hit, right?

Right!

The Battle of Los Angeles: 69 years later, still no explanation

2011-02-23T12:33:00.002-07:00

I received a PR sheet from Sony Pictures Entertainment regarding their new movie, Battle: Los Angeles. Now I'll admit, this type of movie is right in my wheelhouse! The trailer for it looks great, so I can't wait to see it. But this isn't just another fanciful Hollywood blockbuster loaded with CGI effects. There's some modicum of truth behind it...

Unless you're a history buff, or just really interested in Ufology and/or the paranormal (like I am), it's unlikely that you've heard about the real "Battle of Los Angeles" that took place in 1942. That real event is the jumping off point for Sony's new movie.

In the early hours of Saturday, February 25, 1942, one of the strangest events of WWII took place in the skies over Southern California... something that to this day has not been fully explained.

Just after 2:00 A.M. several unidentified objects were reported over Los Angeles. The threat was perceived as the real deal; air raid sirens were sounded and a total blackout was ordered. At 3:16 A.M., the 37th Coast Artillery Brigade started launching 12.8-pound antiaircraft shells at the unidentified objects. Over the next 58 minutes more than 1,400 shells were fired as the objects moved south, from Santa Monica to Long Beach.

From the Sony PR sheet:

Descriptions of the UFOs varied widely. General George C. Marshall, in his initial memo to President Roosevelt regarding the event, wrote that the 'unidentified airplanes... [traveled at speeds ranging from] 'very slow' to as much as 200 mph and from elevations of 9000 to 18,000 feet.' The number of craft reported by observers ranged from 9 to 15 to 25.

At first, officials offered a very vague explanation. According to the Los Angeles Times (February 26, 1942), the secretary of the Navy, Frank Knox, dismissed the event as a "false alarm" due to "jittery nerves," but when this failed to satisfy the press and the public, the Army responded with a definitive answer that the craft and the battle were real, and the next day, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson confirmed that. Santa Monica's US Representative, Leland Ford, was quoted in the Times on February 27 calling for a Congressional investigation into the incident, but this went nowhere. In the years since, various explanations have been offered – from Japanese planes to German craft launched from secret bases in Mexico to unidentified aircraft to weather balloons to sky lanterns to blimps.

However, it is also alleged that General Marshall reported that the Army had recovered an unidentified aircraft off the coast of California that indicated that the "mystery airplanes are in fact not earthly and according to secret intelligence sources they are in all probability of interplanetary origin.

What actually caused the battle - weather balloons, enemy recon planes, or UFOs - is still up for debate. We do know that the "UFO craze" didn't occur for another few years. Fighter pilots officially started using the term "foo fighter" for unidentified objects in November 1944, and Kenneth Arnold coined the term "flying saucer" in 1947 after seeing something he couldn't identify near Mt. Rainier. Not long after this UFOs become a national phenomena.

Be sure to read the full report about this event at The California State Military Museum's website as it adds quite a lot of additional information

Perhaps we'll never know what really happened, but it's fun to speculate. And really... what better way to do that then through the magic of cinema.

We want to know: Do you believe in UFOs, and have you ever seen one?

Ramblings of a Mad Man Reboot

2010-07-14T22:14:00.004-06:00

So you’re probably thinking to yourself… Self, Eli hasn’t updated his Ramblings in like, a year! And you’d be right, he hasn’t. That’s because he’s busy… busy being an alcoholic, er, I mean, a Beer Columnist, blogger, Web Tv host/producer/whatever. In all seriousness, I don’t think the guy could become an alcoholic even if he wanted too. I’ve seen him max out a breathalyzer and still be halfway functional, whereas mere mortals such as you or myself with the same BAC would look something like this...

Exactly… I hate him too.

So now you’re probably thinking… Self, who’s this guy? Why is he here?

The Name is Steven Brown, AKA Oh Ye of Common Name. I really got boned on the original name front, there's probably fewer people named Joe Smith out there. I was gonna change my name once, but Optimus Megatron Superfly Spartan Manpower Sex Machine Mclovin Prime wouldn’t fit in the space provided. So I bugged outta there. I’m an all or nothin’ kinda guy. I sometimes go by the moniker Stevie Chips, cause my Father’s mother’s maiden name was Chips and it sounds kinda mafia-ish… or not. Well to me at least it does, and my self delusions are all that really matter.

So why am I here? Good question! I was sitting in my car the other day, eating my lunch, listening to Bubba the Love Sponge on the radio, scraping the last remnants of yogurt out of the cup (because fat people like me eat yogurt in a vain attempt to delude ourselves into thinking we’re eating healthy), when I had an epiphany. It said, “Hey… Eli hasn’t updated his Ramblings in like, a year!” I know, right, thinking the same thing? Pretty cool huh? Whatever…

So I jump on AIM (Cause it’s such a trendy IM program) and chat it up with my old Amigo of 20+ years and say “Dude! Since you’ve pretty much abandoned Ramblings, mind if I sub-lease?” And he said, “Fuck off, I’m drinking.” And I said “You’re always drinking. I think you have a problem.” And he said “It’s my job bitch!” So I said, “Ok, so can I or what?” and he said “Watch where you’re driving asshole!” and I said, “What?” and he said “Some dick just cut me off!” and I said “So you’re drinking, driver and texting me what you’re yelling at someone else?” And he said “what?” and I said “Huh?” and he said “What?” and I said “ok, so can I?” And he said “What?” and I said “Sub lease Ramblings” and he said “Sure, I guess.”

And here I am!

Ok, so he didn’t REALLY say all that, but it’s more exciting than the truth. I asked, he said ok, and here I am. See? Boring!

So what am I going to do here? Well, it’s called Ramblings and right now I’m rambling, right? So maybe later I’ll do a movie review, or a beer review? Or a Beer and Movie Review… I’ll call it a Brewvie! What? Eli already does those on Confessions? Damn, ok maybe I’ll just review local Breweries of my area, the San Francisco Bay Area, or just restaurants in general when I go, or just rambling musings like this, or perhaps rant about some shit that irks me (like a LOT of things!) , or other some such nonsense. We’ll see what happens as it happens. I needed an outlet for an over active ADD brain and this is it.

So does anyone still come here? Eli said Ramblings was actually getting a lot of traffic of late and my request to take the reins and drive a bit couldn't have been better timing. Let me know if you're out there, or if you’re even still reading this, cause truthfully I already tuned out about 3-4 paragraphs ago and I’m typing on autopilot.

And fear not, Old Eli will probably stick his neck in here once in a while to make sure I'm not burning the place down or anything, and maybe drop a "Hey now" post while he's here.

So maybe later if'n I figure it out, Imma gonna try to attach this thing to my Facebook page (cause all trendy Bloggers do that right?). But be warned, if you want to friend me, better send a comment saying you’re a Ramblings fan cause I’m a dick and I don’t accept unknown/unsolicited friend requests. Also if you’re just looking for some schmuck to fertilize your garden in Farmville or buy some shit bling bling in Yoville or adopt some cute virtual baby tiger cub from your Zoo, well then you’re shit out luck. I have all garbage hidden. I can’t see them, so fuck off Farmville. Water your own damn garden.

Til next time, if there is one, Stevie Chips out…

Shift Happens!

2009-05-22T08:08:00.002-06:00

Things that make ya go, hmmm...

Apparently this was a presentation given back in June of 2008 for a Sony BMG executive meeting. Thanks to my buddy James for passing this on to me. Really interesting stuff here people! So after watching it... what does it all mean? Come back here and let me know.

The write-in candidate for President

2009-04-14T08:07:00.003-06:00

There's yet another Internet message zipping across the information superhighway that claims to be from the legendary comedian, Bill Cosby. While I absolutely agree 100% with said message, look it up on Snopes.com - it's not from Bill Cosby.

Here's the message:

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it..

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't getting nuttin out. The President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids.. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

The country was founded on certain principals – let’s get back to them! GOD BLESS AMERICA ..

How many zeros in a billion?

2009-03-27T18:22:00.001-06:00

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D. C

HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration T ax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to
press '1'
for English.

What the hell happened?????

Political Shenanigans

2008-10-08T10:17:00.001-06:00

Why are the politicians trying to bail out the source of the economic problem when they should be bailing out the American people? Why is the government giving money to the very institutions that got us into this economic mess in the first place?

If they government wants to fix this problem, lowering key interest rates and giving BILLIONS of dollars to banks who made all the bad decisions in the first place won't do it. The continual, daily free fall of the stock market proves that. Erasing their debt isn't fair.

If they REALLY want to fix the problem... erase OUR debt. If they're going to clean slate anybody or anything, why aren't they clean slating our mortgages, many of which are bad and given out knowingly in bad faith in the first place. Erasing our mortgages would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY benefit consumers by DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY putting more money in our pocket, which in turn would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY improve consumer confidence and DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY revitalize our economy.

How many years is this supposed bailout, written by "experts", supposed to take? Far too long to do anyone any good.

Why bail out the scum bags who put us in this position in the first place? Why are we giving THEM more of OUR money? If we're already in a free fall -- and we are -- why not do something drastic? Desperate times -- and these are desperate times -- call for desperate measures.

It's time the politicians (all of them) pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses and started doing what our Founding Fathers intended... serve we the people.

More driving fun in Colorado!

2008-09-24T10:34:00.006-06:00

On the way to work this morning I heard about yet another one-car rollover here in the Springs. I'm pretty sure that makes eleventy million, four hundred thousand one-car rollovers in this state this year alone. It's amazing to me how people in Colorado are still allowed to drive. Speaking of...

Last week I heard about an SUV rollover that occurred on Old Stage Road in Teller County. Three 19-year old boys were tooling around the back woods sometime between midnight and 2 a.m. to apparently get a better view of the stars on a clear night. At some point the SUV they were driving in ran off the road and rolled down a 75-foot embankment. The driver was trapped for about eight hours with his leg pinned between the Chevy Blazer and a tree because the two other occupants had to walk 10 miles to call for assistance. They had cell phones but apparently "cell phones don't work up there." They must not have Verizon.

In a subsequent report I heard that the SUV ran out of gas, causing the vehicle to lose power and was thus was the reason the car careened off the road.

I have some (theoretical) questions:

What were these three 19/20 year olds really doing way back on a mountain road after midnight? Cuz I'm not buying the whole "watch stars" line. Unless of course that's today's lingo for "smoking dope and drinking beer."
What portion of their brains told them it was OK to go "way back on a mountain road after midnight" without a full tank of gas?
I've had a 1992 Ford Bronco with power steering die on me while driving... it's not hard to steer to the side of the road and bring to a stop. So why couldn't a young, healthy, strapping 19-year old keep what had to be a slow moving vehicle (after all, they were on a dirt mountain road in the pitch dark... one must assume they weren't speeding, right?) from sliding down a 75-foot embankment?
Your cell phones really didn't work? REALLY? Switch your carrier.

Thus... the guy who was involved in the one-care rollover this morning and the triumvirate of "star watchers" both win the first ever Mad Man Award for Bad Driving! Stick this on your lapel and wear it with pride!

Teacher Applicant

2008-09-06T10:09:00.002-06:00

The latest making the rounds on the Internet... which is awesome!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior,

observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt

messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually

transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play,

and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and

make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their

handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any

other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,a bulletin board,

a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?'

* Thanks for passing this along to me Larry!

Patience is a virtue

2008-07-01T08:47:00.007-06:00

What is the #1 problem with drivers in the state of Colorado? No one has any patience. The wife and I drive from our home on the far north side of town to work on the south side of down every day of the work week. And every single day I see at least two people who feel the need... the need for speed. You know the types I'm talking about.

First you have drivers who must swerve over into the shoulder in order to see around you, thinking there must be something other than the normal throngs of traffic -- likely you -- causing their debilitating rate of speed. By doing this, not one or twice, but seventeen times over the course of three minutes, they someone satiate their compulsive curiosity.

Then you have the morons who think I-25 is a NASCAR super speedway, where racing three wide is not only acceptable, but encouraged. These folks are "awesome." They'll jockey for position in order to get one whole car length ahead of you, cutting off drivers in multiple lanes of traffic with reckless abandon to do so. And the greatest thing about these living breathing reasons for condoms? Nearly every time the Karmic gods of Traffic are looking down and smite them with Driving Miss Daisy; stuck behind the slowest vehicle on the freeway due to their own incompetent driving skills. The rage they fly into is priceless, and can easily be inflamed by driving by them -- in the very same spot you were in prior to their Evil Knievel performance -- and waving to them with a big ole smile on your face. There's no need to flip them the bird because they know they're morons, and they know you know they're morons. The infernal rage that wells up on their face is nothing short of pure bliss.

Then you have the oblivious people who didn't get the memo about it being illegal to remain in the left lane unless you're passing. We ran into of these "I forgot to wake up this morning" drivers yesterday. Apparently the 80 million year old man and his equally aged wife felt it was their God given right to be in that left lane, despite the fact that eleventy hundred cars kept passing them, their occupants honking and waving at them. Nothing was budging the man from his lane.

And I don't have to mention the dill holes who drive while 1) talking on the phone, 2) think it's cute to have their damn mutt sitting in their laps while tooling down the road, 3) read the newspaper, 4) eat breakfast, 5) shave, 6) pick their nose thinking no one can see them through the TRANSPARENT GLASS IN THEIR CAR, or one of a hundred different things.

Laws must become more strict. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Just because you suck in precious air from the planet (in many cases air that should go to someone with far more value to the future of humanity) doesn't mean you have the mental ability to drive a vehicle. Based on what I've seen here... I have to wonder if some of these people can even tie their own shoes.

Pizza pie in the sky

2008-04-25T10:10:00.004-06:00

I love pizza. I could eat it every day. But this is without question a sign of the apocalypse.

The dude on his back tossin' pizza dough is Justin Wadstein. Justin is from the good ole US of A and is "performing" during the acrobatic pizza event. I'll give you a few seconds to let you soak in the absurdity of that statement. OK, now for the "fun" part.... the acrobatic pizza event is but one such absurdly lame event in the World Pizza Championships held in Salsomaggiore Terme, Italy.

Apparently this absurdly lame "championship" is held each and every year and is where the world's best pizza makers gather to show off their chops.

Wow, so our society has become a utopia, huh? When did I miss that memo? I mean, it must be a utopia because we have all this free time to indulge in... acrobatic pizza tossing?

We are so doomed.

What?

2008-04-11T08:24:00.002-06:00

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!

*Thanks to CollegeHumor for making this classic video, and Andy at SpringsTV Talk for showing me the light.

Oh my lovely Battlestar...

2008-04-09T08:53:00.004-06:00

* As seen on Io9.com

Frolicking French Funnies

2008-04-07T11:13:00.002-06:00

As a follow-up to this morning's post, another buddy (Steven) sent along this memorable cover photo for Soldier of Surrender: The Official Magazine of the French Military. Enjoy!

You could have heard a pin drop

2008-04-07T08:29:00.005-06:00

I want to thank my buddy Larry for sending these to me. Gotta love each and every one of them!

=====================

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of "empire building" by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. "

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.

During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electric power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English."

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

And this story fits right in with the above...

A group of retired American teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

========================

I love being right!

2008-04-03T15:38:00.007-06:00

Case in point... remember my diatribe a few months back about the "Dysfunctional" Minute Man? Welp, seems I was right.

According to an AP article written by Megan Scott, next month's Journal of Sexual Medicine will include a report detailing what the "optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse" is. Wanna take a wild guess how much time? If you go off the myriad of myths pervading our society... you'll be so, so wrong.

The survey results were culled from fifty members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (how does one become a part of that "society" may I ask?) across the U.S. and Canada. These are honest to God experts (not drunken, mindless frat tards, porn stars, horny 18 year olds, or sexual deviants). The findings?

Optimal time for sexual intercourse ranges from 3 to 13 minutes. Read that again... slowly if you have to. THREE TO THIRTEEN MINUTES. N-O-T hours.

Dr. Irwin Goldstein is the editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. In the report he cites a four-week study done back in 2005 that included of 1,500 couples. This study found the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. How did they come up with this time? The women in the study were actually "armed with stopwatches."

Imagine that. OK, don't. Forget I said that.

Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and the director of Wellminds Wellbodies says, "There are so many myths in our culture of what other people are doing sexually. Most people's sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are."

Meaning: they're not anywhere close to the "high quality" porn movies flowing out of Sexywood. While most of these myths started back in the day, the "Dysfunctional Minute Man Syndrome" is now being spread by the pharmaceutical industry. Glance through the sports section of your newspaper. If it's anything like our local paper you'll find several ads for male enhancement pills. And let's not forget the endless television commercials (the ones with the "hilarious" list of side effects) espousing our supposed erectile challenged society.

So there ya have it. I was right - again. Boy it feels good. Have a great weekend all. I will!

Battlestar gets a Top 10 List!

2008-03-28T08:39:00.004-06:00

I want to thank my compatriot Chipper Dave (who runs as many blog sites as I seem to - the poker site Chipper's World, and the beer blog Fermentedly Challenged) for alerting me to this great Top 10 list.

UPDATE: Sci-Fi Channel is airing two new shows tonight to bring you up to speed for the season premiere next week - Battlestar: Revisited and Battlestar: Phenomenon. Check local listings for times.

Battlestar spin-off gets the green light!

2008-03-20T15:29:00.004-06:00

According to yesterday's Variety:

The Sci-Fi Channel has given the green light to Caprica, a prequel series to Battlestar Galactica. The two-hour "backdoor" pilot begins production in Vancouver this spring. Both Rondal D. Moore and David Eick, the executive producers for BSG, will join with Universal Media Studios to work on Caprica. Rene Aubuchon will co-write the Caprica pilot with Moore, and Jeff Reiner will direct it. Casting begins soon.

BSG ends its 3½-year run with its last 20 episodes starting on April 4, so this comes at the most perfect time!

* Thanks for letting me know about this, Steven!

How's the Jihad going?

2008-03-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

Allah Allah AkBOOM!!!!!!!!! Gotta love instant Karma.

* Thanks for the vid clip, Steven (and the "Allah Allah AkBOOM!!!!!!!!!" line!)

If we were all armed with these...

2008-03-05T11:10:00.001-07:00

... every scum bag, cowardly, stupid, piece of filth criminal would crawl back under the rock they slithered out from - and vanish.

Ya, I'm back. I was under the weather the last few weeks - OK, I was sick as a dog all of last week and still trying to recover this week.

But enough of that... on with the rants! And boy do I have some things to rant about.

Battlestar Returns!

2008-02-21T11:44:00.005-07:00

Now that the writer's are done striking... GET BACK TO WORK! I kid. But I did just find out that my fave show, Battlestar Galactica, returns April 4 (three days before my birthday, wooohoo!).

The first half of its 20-episode final season (NOOOOOOO!) was thankfully already filmed before the big brouhaha with the greedy basitch studios errupted back in October. Production on the final 10 episodes looks to begin in March. Airdates for them have not yet been announced.

Also of note, Lost (another of my fave shows) will be taping an additional five episodes to begin airing on April 24 in a new 10PM time slot.

Sadly, the 7th season of 24 will not return until January '09. Damn.

Hitler a Cowboy's Fan?

2008-02-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hilarious! Woulda thunk?

* Thanks for passing this along.... oh crap, who passed this along to me?

Silence is Golden

2008-02-18T07:57:00.001-07:00

Words are not necessary. Watch, enjoy... and feel proud to be an American.

*Thanks for passing this along to me, Larry!

Berkeley can go to hell! Or... Stupid People Part V

2008-02-15T07:54:00.010-07:00

In case you missed it - the Birkenstock wearing, veagen, leftist, hippy "commune" known as Berkeley, California, recently did something that qualifies as treason.

At the end of January the City Council of this un-American city voted 8-1 to tell the Marines their downtown recruiting station was no longer welcomed. That's bad. But they went one step further and stated that "if recruiters choose to stay, they do so as uninvited and unwelcome guests." It gets even worse. In a separate item, the council voted (8-1 again) to allow the protest group Code Pink a parking space in front of the recruiting office once a week for six months and a free sound permit for protesting once a week.

Tell ya what Berkeley... how about we - that would be the rest of the United States of America - vote to see if we should consider your commune "uninvited and unwelcome guests" to this country, and then kick your sorry treasonous asses off the continent? Sound good?

I grew up in the Bay Area; spent 22 years of my life there rolling my eyes over the bullshit this "commune" continually spews out. Well, enough is enough. There was a time in this country when your actions had consequences. It's time for that era to come back - right now. Thankfully, at least one prominent businessman in that city, which I will refer to as a Black Hole in America, has seen the light. He wrote to the Mayor of Berkeley. This is his letter:

Dear Mayor Bates,

In that you and your city have chosen to gravely insult the brave men and women, who have indeed bought you that right with their blood, I am informing you that my company will no longer do business with any of our current suppliers located in the Berkeley, California metro area.

In that my company is in international resort realestate development, and do business with and am associated with, developers and investors worldwide, I am informing all of my contacts, associates and patrons that we will no longer do any business of any sort with anyone living in the Berkeley area.

In that we/MDG Resorts are currently building a state of the art mega-yacht marina, all of the suppliers of Marina equipment, all owners of Yachts, all suppliers of Yacht materials & supplies, all yacht brokers and all tangential yacht business purveyors will likewise be informed that we will not do any business whatsoever with anyone from the Berkeley area.

Likewise all suppliers of building materials, both interior and exterior, currently associated with any of our several resort developments (Brisamar 300+villas and 200+ condos: Porto Hussong, www.portohussong.www 500+condos, 180 slip mega-yacht marina) both of which I might add have international recognition by virtue of glowing reports in Robb Report, Wall Street Journal, Yacht World, Forbes.

I will likewise inform all of our investors, most of whom are very wealthy yacht owners, casino owners, high net worth international businessmen, of our decision to essentially boycott all products and providers located in, or associated with in any way whatsoever, Berkeley, Ca.

Trust me when I say that having been in the real estate development business for over 35 years, our list of contacts and associates is long and very, very impressive. We, and I personally, are going to recommend that they ALL along with us boycott your city, its purveyors, suppliers, and businesses and CHARITIES of every kind.

You have every right to choose to take the obnoxious anti-military stance you have taken, and as stated, that right was bought for you with the blood of better men than you. I too have every right to do all that I can to insure that your city suffers consequences arising from that obnoxious, sickening stance.

Cordially,

Brian G. Dennard
Principal Director
Meridian Development Group, LLC619 807 2444
http://www.mdgresorts.com/http://www.portohussong.com/

I urge every one of you to contact the city council of Berkeley, CA, via email at: mailto:clerk@ci.berkeley.ca.us. Crash their servers telling them they can piss off. If they don't like the Marines (yet will vote to allow a peace organization to picket and trumpet as loud as they want in front of these same Marines who died for ALL of them), one of the brave armed services branches that gave them their freedom, they can leave the country and never look back. We don't need their ilk clouding the gene pool any longer. I also urge you to contact Mr. Dennard and commend him for his stance, and join him in the boycott of this most un-American city.

Make them pay for their actions.

People are Stupid, Part IV

2008-02-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

You have a what?

Misspelled two different ways no less. Ya, we need more people like this. People with "dreams" dirtying up the gene pool. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the color of their skin either. There's too many people in this world who are, say it with me now - "stupid."

* Thanks for passing this along to me, John! (sorry for missing the props on the original post)

The Plan

2008-02-08T09:34:00.001-07:00

My good friend Renee forwarded the following to me the other night...

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines They don't want us there, anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them .

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10 ) All Amer icans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it..or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'"

=================================================

Great plan. And I wish someone would actually do it, but smelling "b*llsh*t" I hopped over to Snopes.com to see if this was true or not. Not. Robin Williams had absolutely nothing to do with this "speech." Click here to read the real story behind how this really started. Still, it's something that somoeone needs to - soon. Sadly, with the proliferation of sackless individuals in this country incapable of doing what needs to be done... it's unlikely.

A Modern Parable

2008-02-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens and a certificate of completion for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower (a reduction in workforce) for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was "out-sourced" to India.

Sadly, the End.

* Again, thanks for sending this along Larry! Not sure where it originally came from, so my apologies for not dolling out appropriate acknowledgments. But man, is it ever true! Funny and sad. Sigh... I need a beer.

Are you down with Hancock?

2008-02-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

My buddy Steven dropped this movie clip on me the other day.

Will Smith in anything = pure gold. So "get out the way"!

People are Stupid, Part III

2008-02-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

And the hits just keep on coming!

I was reading an article the other day about the new ABC series Eli Stone that premiered after Lost on Thursday night (it's a really good show by the way). Ya, the character has my name. So does Peyton's little brother. The Manning that's IN the Super Bowl in only his what... 4th year in the NFL? How long did it take Peyton again? Ya. Anyway... that's not the point. What caught my eye was what the article was about.

According to "Docs: TV drama perpetuates autism myth" by AP writer Lindsey Tanner, the American Academy of Pediatrics wanted ABC to cancel the first episode of this new FICTIONAL series because it perpetuates the myth that vaccines can cause autism. According to Dr. Renee R. Jenkins, president of the nation's largest pediatricians' group, "If parents watch this program and choose to deny their children immunizations, ABC will share in the responsibility for the suffering and deaths that occur as a result."

I saw the show. And if anyone got the wrong idea based on the storyline...

Oh, but it's gets better. Jenkins, the president remember, goes on to say that many (mindless, slack jawed, drooling - those are my words) viewers "trust the health information presented on FICTIONAL television shows, which influences their decisions about health care."

Hoooooly shit! You've gotta be kidding me?! That SHOULD be your response.

Sadly, it's true. And that's the REALLY scary part of this whole thing. If parents... hell, if any living, breathing, supposedly rational human being believes something they see on a FICTIONAL television show, and they allow it to influence their REAL LIFE decisions... they should be shot on sight. Which goes to prove (once again) that "freedom of having children" needs to become a privilege IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner.

The people that actually do believe the crap they see on a FICTIONAL television show need to stop having kids, and stop adding their obviously defective genes into the public pool. We don't need stupid people like that running around the world. We just don't.

Greg Berlanti, a co-creator of the show said, "'We would be deeply upset' if parents opted against vaccination because of the episode." Uh... ya, think? I'd be "deeply upset" too - for the kids, because they have stupid parents who believe health advice given on a FICTIONAL television show!!! Maybe the good pediatric doctors ought to be more concerned about that.

Like I said... people are stupid.

Lost is found!

2008-02-01T08:48:00.001-07:00

Lost is back... in a big way! If you missed it, sorry. You missed one of the best episodes since season 1. This 4th season is truncated, so there will only be 8 episodes, and if they're all like the premiere (as I suspect they will)... holy crapola! GREAT, GREAT STUFF!

Pretty sure you can watch the episode at ABC's website, so try to find it. If not, check out the fantastic LostEasterEggs website (I have a perma-link to the right) for a literal frame by frame breakdown of every single episdode. Thought you saw evertyhing? Not a chance. After viewing the breakdown on the LEE site you'll want to watch each episode over again. Trust me on this.

Plus, Andy Wineke (the TV guy for the Colorado Springs Gazette) and I always jibber-jabber about the latest episode on his blog, SpringsTV Talk. Check it out and join in the conversation, or feel free to drop a comment here!

A Letter to Luke

2008-01-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Skywalker,

My name is Dav Larteeg. I don’t think you know me. I’ve been with the Rebellion for a while now, but mostly as a low-level worker, far away from the five or six people at the top. I did fly a B-Wing in the battle of Endor, but I believe you were elsewhere at the time.

Anyway, the Empire is defeated! Hooray! I am on the New Republic Council, working to bring democracy back to the galaxy. It’s pretty challenging. And I understand you’re busy bringing back the Jedi.

Which brings me to my point here. Please don’t. I don’t want to seem unappreciative of what you’ve done for the Rebellion. Turning off your targeting computer when you were in range of the Death Star’s exhaust port so that there was a good chance of missing the crucial shot was an act that…well, it won’t be forgotten for a while. And since then, you’ve done a heck of a job rescuing people so they could come back and help us out. I’m glad this was something you could do in between all your Jedi training.

But let’s not dwell on the past, at least not yet. Right now the present is important, for the future of the galaxy! And we on the Council are a little concerned about this plan of yours to bring back the Jedi.

It’s not that we don’t want a group of highly dogmatic warrior-priests dispensing justice through amputation. Nor is it the fact that the only force that can keep them in check when they go off the rails is each other. It’s just that…well, let’s be honest here, Mr. Skywalker. While a Jedi might (or might not, the jury’s kind of still out on that, I’m afraid) have gotten us out of this whole Empire mess, a whole group of them got us into it. The track record of the Jedi just isn’t so hot.

You weren’t born yet when the Emperor rose to power, so maybe you don’t know all of this information. I know that Obi-Wan Kenobi has told you about Jedi history, but then again, Obi-Wan Kenobi says a lot of things, doesn’t he? Did he mention that some of the greatest Jedi in history didn’t see the Emperor when he was literally right under their nose? Count Dooku told pretty much the whole plan to Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he and the Jedi just shrugged it off. I’m pretty sure Kenobi neglected to mention that to you. Likewise, I’m sure he probably forgot about how the Jedi were handed an army out of nowhere, on a planet somehow hidden from them, under mysterious and suspicious circumstances, and happily accepted it, no questions asked. An army of clones, too, because living beings bred solely to fight and die for the government is far more “civilized” than droids. Although some might call the actions of the Jedi as the Emperor rose to power “criminally stupid,” let me assure you I am not one of them.

And I know this is a touchy subject for you, but please hear me out. No one is more overjoyed than I that you were, at the last minute and long after many people gave their lives fighting (people, not clones), able to turn your father back to the side of good. Obi-Wan was wise to lie to you about Darth Vader being your father so that you couldn’t confront him any earlier. I understand that because he didn’t like seeing his son roasted alive (more on this in a moment, sir), the Force has forgiven him for all the people he mercilessly destroyed. You must be very proud! But let’s not forget how he got in that situation, shall we? He was discovered by Qui-Gon Jinn, a Jedi who was best known for both piercing the veil of the afterworld and using the Force to cheat at gambling. Qui-Gon was the one who brought this loose cannon into the Council, and the Council reluctantly agreed to train him, handing him over to a Jedi who’d been a master for…well, I’m not sure what time it was when Obi-Wan was tapped as Anakin’s master, so I can’t tell you how many hours. They then proceeded to treat the boy like the unwanted stepchild he was, practically driving him into Palpatine’s arms. The Jedi Council’s lack of concern when your father slaughtered an entire tribe of sand people to avenge his mother’s death makes one wonder if they even knew about it. Regardless, my point here is that it was the combined wisdom and power of the Jedi Council who helped Anakin seek friendship and acceptance from the Sith Lord, Darth Sideous. And don’t get me started on the celibacy policy of a group that’s harnessed a genetic ability…

I think I’ve made my point, sir. Please forgive my forwardness, but I’m just not sure we really want these people back. And it’s not just me, a lot of us here on the Council are starting to think we’re better off without sanctioned, trained killers with repressed emotions. Maybe we’re just filled with hubris after our Jedi-less victory at Endor. I’m sure you recall how Obi-Wan dismembered a guy in a bar for hassling you, right? This “lop off arms first and ask questions later” policy was pretty much Jedi Standard Operating Procedure. (For the record, the Prosthetic Limbs Lobby is very keen on having the Jedi return.) Random acts of violence aside, we have our own soldiers now. We have repulsorlift technology that allows us to make things float without invoking mystical powers. General Calrissian is full of information on how to lie and cheat without an unwavering spiritual commitment. We’re just not sure that skills passed down from a guy who walked away from his “best friend” and “brother” as a torso that was roasting alive are what the Republic really needs at this point. I think we’re ready to take our own destiny into our own hands. The Council urges you to reconsider your decision to bring back the Jedi, Mr. Skywalker.

Sincerely,
Dav Larteeg
New Republic Council

PS - To be fair, though, I hear you can channel Master Yoda. Now him, we might be interested in talking to.

----------

LMAO! Thanks for passing that along to me, Joe!

People are Stupid, Part II

2008-01-30T08:33:00.001-07:00

Following up on a post I made last April about how "People are Stupid"... Well, the stupidity hasn't slowed down. Here are two new people to boot around, all local to Colorado Springs:

Maria Darlene Joseph (who also has an alias of Maria Darlene Gardner)... the "stupid" 25 year old white trash of a human being who has 5 kids ages 16 months, 3, 5, 8, and 9. FIVE KIDS AT THE AGE OF TWENTY FIVE? Maria "allegedly" (I so hate that PC term) poured gasoline on them and then set them on fire. The 16-month old baby died at the scene while the other 4 are in critical condition. IF they make it, how screwed up are they going to be? Not just physically, but mentally? Are they ever going to have a normal life? Unlikely. Which means you and I will be taking care of them through our taxpayer dollars for the rest of their lives. Read the whole gut-wrenching story here.

Why am I so "mean"? Because some one has to. Somewhere along the line this world has become so Politically Inept (notice the change in verbiage from "correct" to "inept") that we've seriously lost our way. At some point SOON a law is going to have to be made that suspends "freedom of having children." And I'm not just talking about this country, I'm talking globally. Why are people in impoverished, drought stricken, diseased riddled, no-hope Third World Countries allowed to have ANY kids? If they stopped having litters of children the rampant poverty, filth and disease in those countries would vanish almost overnight. It's a simple matter of logic people.

And what about Maria Darlene... whatever her last name is? I'm sorry, a 25 year old with 5 kids all under the age of 9? That means she had her first one at 16. Veeeeeeery nice.

Having children should be made a privilege. Why? We've abused the "right" for far too long. In order to have kids one should have to prove mentally, physically and financially that YOU can support them. YOU, not the government. Welfare fraud is rampant. Have a baby, get more money. That's the mentality of these scum bags. The vicious cycle has to stop or we're all in trouble.

Moving on to the next "scholar"...

Scott Anthony Gomez, Jr., is suing the Pueblo County Jail. Mr. Gomez (and I use the term "Mr." very loosely here) is seeking an unspecified amount of money, claiming authorities "did next to nothing to ensure that the jail was secure and that the Plaintiff could not escape." That's right, this scum bag inmate is suing the jail because it was too easy to escape. Can you !*@&%# believe that?! Oh, there's more to it - such as he was "allegedly" beaten by deputies and inmates alike (I bet he was beaten by inmates) that prompted him to escape. Gee, that's like saying he found God during his stay in jail. They all miraculously do, don't they? Give me a break.

Why are we wasting our time and tax payer money on this waste of human flotsam again? Trot him out back, "take care" of the problem and be done with it. Why do the spineless jellyfish of this world (Politically Inept Automatons) insist on giving criminal's rights (there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one) when those criminals so egregiously and wantonly disregarded the rights of others in order to be put into jail? The madness needs to stop or we're all in trouble.

The "Dysfunctional" Minute Man

2008-01-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Dysfunction is described as: any malfunctioning part or element.

How can something be a "dysfunction" when every man on the planet seems to be affected by the exact same thing? Wouldn't that be called... normal?

How do I know it's every man? Why, the endless number of drugs on the market and the deluge of advertisements that constantly bombard us on television, radio and in print of course. If you take all the media hype as fact then "Erectile Dysfunction" ("E.D." for the virginal ears of television viewers) must be a global pandemic the likes of The Black Death. According to those trying to sell you a stiffy it's a "disease" that must be eradicated at all costs. God forbid we should be afflicted by a flaccid phallus.

Seriously, has anyone ever met a single guy who can go at it like the damn Energizer Bunny? Oh, you have? So you were present to watch his heroic feats of hedonism? No you weren't. All you have is the word of that person, undoubtedly infused with ego, alcohol - or both. The only time you actually ever "see" people engaging in endless hours of sack soaking, head banging sex is in movies - porn or otherwise. Which of course is completely fake.

So basically what we're being told is that the inability to replicate the actions of a porn star and not have a woody that lasts 6 hours is now considered a "dysfunction" in our society.

Is it really a "dysfunction"or is it a myth cooked up by the opportunistic pharmaceutical industry? One of the two special interest groups (the other being oil) that essentially run this country... and are continually out to screw us.

The Apocalypse is Nigh!

2008-01-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

My buddy Steven just dropped this movie trailer on me.

SWEET!

The Internet Movie Database describes Doomsday as such:

Great Britain, 2007. A deadly plague, known as the "Reaper Virus," has broken out, killing hundreds of thousands in its wake. In desperation, the British Government evacuates as many survivors as it can out of the infected area, and then builds a wall, preventing the remainder from escaping. Thirty years later, with the wall still up and the victims all but forgotten, the virus breaks out again. The Government decides to send a crack team of operatives, led by Major Eden Sinclair, into the hot zone to investigate the possibility of a cure.

It's directed by Neil Marshall (the guy who made the fantastically scary indie movie The Descent), so I have high hopes! Based on the trailer it looks like a combo between 28 Days Later and The Road Warrior movies, and Escape from New York. Just a few of my fave flicks of all time! I can see the tag lines now: "The Road Warriorette... 28 days of the month!"

I'm a post-apocalyptic fiction nutter. I love any book, story, comic, movie, TV show, video game, etc., that deals with the end of the world. This flick is right up my alley! Can't wait!

Ten Golden Rules of Online Gaming

2008-01-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Destructoid's Jim Sterling recently listed the 10 golden rules to online gaming, and they are absolutely hilarious. Here's an excerpt of a few of them:

4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap:
Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap.
5: If you are losing, it is because of lag:
Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills.
Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good.
6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking:
Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking.

Check out the whole list here. Enjoy!

Let's say I break into your house

2008-01-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Again, whether or not this is true... it's still a VERY logical analogy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point: Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

Their point: "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:

You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family

(and my husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house. And what a deal it is for me!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you to learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America .

If you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it.

If not blow it off.... along with your future Social Security funds, and a lot of other things.

Just come clean already

2008-01-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Dan Le Batard, long time sports columnist for the Miami Herald and frequent visitor to PTI, wrote perhaps one of the best articles I've read concerning the whole steroid/performance enhancing issue - in baseball. Since the same standards seemingly do not apply to football players; see Shawne Merriman (aka Shawne Steroid-man), Rodney Harrison (aka A-Roidney Harrison), etc. But I digress...

Le Batard's article, Honesty about steroids would be refreshing, is excellent. Here's an excerpt:

Just one time, above all the noise from media members shaking their torches and pitchfork-wielding politicians following instead of leading, I'd like to hear one thoughtful athlete cut through the crud and say that he/she isn't sorry for anything other than this ridiculous hysteria surrounding our fun and games.

No more lame B-12 excuses. No more homespun ''I took human growth hormone just so that I could get back to aid my teammates, city, church and community.'' No more finger-wagging lies before Congress or 60 Minutes or federal grand juries.

Read the full article here. If you're a true sports fan you'll dig what Dan's shoveling.

Shoot 'Em Up

2008-01-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

Shoot 'Em Up is such an over the top bullet-ridden action flick that I had to post a blurb about it. You may have heard about this great flick when it first came out. Likely from the controversy created by Politically Correct, ultra-conservative, gun banning wankers who took this movie waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.

Shoot 'Em Up is simultaneously a spoof of the guns blazing action genre while also paying homage to the "ballet of bullets" first created by the legendary John Woo. In fact, the inspiration for this movie came from Woo's cult classic, Hard Boiled. If you've ever seen a Woo movie you know EXACTLY what bullets and ballet have to do with each other.

Michael Davis' flick staring the insanely talented cast of Clive Owe n, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci is fresh, dark, funny and rains bullets. To me it felt like an amalgamation of Woo's ballet, Robert Rodriquez's over the top "real" action sequences (i.e., the fantastic Desperado movies starring Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek), and the legendary bloodbaths of the incomparable Quentin Tarantino (i.e., the Kill Bill movies, etc.). It even had some "rawness" from Mel Gibson's Payback.

If you like action with your action flicks, still have a sense of humor, don't take life too seriously, don't think guns kill people (people kill people)... then this movie absolutely will not disappoint!

The Dallas Solution

2008-01-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

True or not... this is hilarious.

The                  Dallas                  Solution...
I have a friend                  who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas,                  Texas                  suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near                  some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace                  (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are                  being built right next to their                  community.

The trash was                  coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction                  sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger                  King and 7-11, plus coffee cups,                  napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went                  to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor,                  politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the                  neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and                  police and got no help there                  either.

So here's what                  his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named                  themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged                  to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is                  what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.                  They bought navy blue baseball                  caps and had the initials "INS"                  embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket                  scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly                  think the letters really stand                  for.

After the Inner                  Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail,                  with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras,                  46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up                  for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has                  been ten days                  now.

The General                  Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say                  anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal                  aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating                  federal personnel, because they have the official name of the                  group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with                  a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new                  subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of                  their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically,                  "Have at                  it!"

SO, FOLKS, I                  THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT                  TEXAS                  INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Reminder: Don't                  forget to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are                  depending on                  you!

* Thanks for passing this along, Heather!

The Duke is back!

2007-12-20T10:36:00.001-07:00

For those still keeping track, the next Duke Nukem game, Duke Nukem Forever, is literally taking forever to get to store shelves. How long is forever? Try a decade. I kid you not.

However, at the recent 3D Realms Christmas party it let "slip" that The Duke ain't dead. At least not yet. The above screen shot was shown. Now, a new "teaser" video has been released.

Stay tuned? Ok... but for how much longer? I'm a big Duke fan, so I'll jump on the bandwagon whenever (if ever) it gets released. But most people probably won't. At least Prey, which also took a decade to make (and which is a 3D Realms game - go figure), turned out pretty damn well. So there is hope.

So do any of you fellow gamers care about this game anymore? Do you even remember Duke Nukem, and if so... will you hop aboard the smart ass one liner bus (that Duke is famous for) when/if it drops?

"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad."

2007-12-10T14:12:00.000-07:00

That subject title was a quote from Lord Byron, the English poet who lived around the turn of the 19th century.

It's even more appropriate at wintertime, when the cabin fever sets in. At long last winter is upon us here in the Rocky Mountains. Thankfully it's nothing like last year when at this same time we were in the midst of a Nordic freight train of weekly blizzards. So far this year I have yet to shovel a flake of snow. Oh what a difference a year makes!

Which is a good thing since I've been in Hibernation Mode since the middle of October. See, 'bout the fourth quarter of each year (what I call the "beer months": Octobeer, Novembeer, Decembeer), when the leaves have long since abandoned their summer digs and the air has gone from crisp to downright cold, I usually go into hibernation just like a big ole bear. The feeling usually starts sometime in October, before All Hallow's Eve, and tends to last right through to the start of the New Year. Cold weather mixed with good football, endless trays of food and superb seasonal craft beer... ah ya. Good times. This mode is usually associated with less writing, more game playing, and catching up on all the summer movies we missed because it's simply too damn cold outside to do anything else.

Well, I'm still in Hibernation Mode, but things are a lot different this year. First of all it's been 2 months since I lifted a single weight or ran a single lap. Aside from regular vacations, I haven't taken a break from working out like this in forever. Neither has Fran. The great thing about being a a life long Gym Rat though is the knowledge that I'll be back at again (after the first of the year as near as we've figured) and my body (now at the ripe young age of 40, 22 of those years have been spent working out) will thank me for the break.

Secondly, a month ago I was let go by GameDaily due to budget constraints. Granted, I was only a part-time freelancer, but it never feels good to get released from any job. However, I'm not the type of person to sit on my ass bemoaning my poor fate and wishfully hoping for something else to come along. I'm the type who believes that when one door closes, another one opens. And if it doesn't open quick enough for my liking I go kick the @*!#% thing down. So I began pounding on doors hunting down new opportunities.

It worked.

On Friday I started writing for a new start-up website (owned by AOL, and a sister site to the long established and well respected gaming site, Joystiq) dedicated to all things MMOG (Massively Multiplayer Online Games) called Massively.

I've already published two articles, so if you're interested in the MMO City of Heroes (and long time readers of this lil slice o' heaven know of my obsession with this superhero game), check out Drinking it up in the City of Heroes. If you're into Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean than you need to check out the article I wrote about PotC Online (a phenomenally fun free to play MMO by the way) entitled: Yo ho yo ho a Pirate's (of the Caribbean) life for me. This is a lot different than my writing from GameDaily

There's a few other projects and writing gigs I'm trying to line up as well, but these will focus on my other passion: craft beer. Yup, it's a busy time in the ole high country this year! I'll keep ya'll updated as things progress.

Until next time, remember what the legendary Ray Bradbury once said: You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

Amen, Mr. B.

The Mad Man Niko Cometh...

2007-12-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

I wasn't a fan of the last GTA mainly because I really didn't care for the whole ghetto "thug life" setting. In fact, it more or less repulsed me to the point where I played the first 30 minutes or so and put the game away... forever.

This iteration of GTA however really gets my blog pumping!

Just Brakes? Try... Just Fakes.

2007-12-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

An update on the ongoing "investigation" of the nationwide (supposed) brake repair company that refers to themselves as Just Brakes.

Over the last week I've been doing some research on this nationwide company. If you go to Ripoff Reports and type in Just Brakes in their Company Search field you'll find (as of this writing) 383 reports that are eerily similar. Oddly enough, there were only 377 over the weekend when I checked. Here's their modus operandi: they "lure" you into their green hued service bays with their $100 "special" (replace the pads/shoes on all 4 wheels, machine rotor/drums, pack the bearing, inspect break system) then sock you with all kinds of other things that usually adds up to $600 to $800 (or more) extra bones.

Got to talking with one of our employees and the same thing happened to her. She went there to get the special... when they got there they told her all kinds of things were wrong with her brakes and wanted to charge her $800 to fix it all. She didn't have the full eight bills (and who would?), so she had them do only the back breaks. This was a few months ago. Recently she had one of our other employees (who is very handy with vehicle maintenance since he was a mechanic at one time) do some work on something else and he noticed that they did nothing. As they did with our Jeep. Ironically, her vehicle was also a Jeep.

Bottom line: Just Brakes is a scam company. They lure you in and try to hit you up for things that don't have to be done... and then don't even do what they charge you for! I've submitted a BBB report on these scum bags and tend to follow this down the Yellow Brick Road. Maybe even get a class action suit going since this is OBVIOUSLY not an isolated incident.

I'll keep ya'll updated. Until then, boycott the hell out of Just Brakes. Otherwise, you too might end up... just ripped off.

Gaming Madness

2007-12-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

As you may know... I'm a gaming geek. I'm also a beer geek, a Star Wars geek, a comic book geek and a sports geek. As a self proclaimed geek of many types, I absolutely love all these wonderful "studies" and other such carefully crafted "research projects."

Much like the gal I wrote about a few weeks ago who did a "study" on how women are discriminated against at coffee shops. Ya know, the type of studies that are so profound that they have the likes of Da Vinci, Socrates, Plato and Captain Kangroo shaking in their graves.

According to Billy Bob and Bubba Joe (aka L. Rowell Huesmann, of the University of Michigan, and his colleague Brad Bushman)... "Exposure to violent electronic media has a larger effect than all but one other well known threat to public health. The only effect slightly larger than the effect of media violence on aggression is that of cigarette smoking on lung cancer."

They didn't really say that... did they?!?!?! Lung cancer? LUNG CANCER?! Who's paying these schmucks to say this - Jack Thompson?

But it gets better. They prattle off an assortment of "interesting" statistics (which is mathematicians magical version of alchemy) like: children spend an average of three hours watching television each day... more than 60 percent of TV programs contain some violence, including 40 percent showing extreme violence... Video game units are now present in 83 percent of homes with children..

They proceed to blither and blather on about how "The research clearly shows that exposure to virtual violence increases the risk that both children and adults will behave aggressively."

How much time and money did you spend on this lil study of yours?

Do you know what all that tells me? That parents let the TV and the Wii babysit their kids too much. It tells me that the human race will go out of its way to find an excuse for their behavior. It tells me that we all (well, most of us) are chasing the dragon, looking for something to fault other then ourselves. It tells me that our society is going to hell in a finally handcrafted hand basket from Louie Vuitton.

Who's the geek again?

Braking Up Is Hard To Do

2007-11-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Neil Sedaka turned that song into a hit way back in 1962. Well, he spelled it "breaking." I spell it "braking" for a whole other reason.

A few weeks back we took our Jeep Liberty into a Just Brakes (located at 676 South 8th Street, Colorado Springs) thinking we were likely to pay the $100 service (new pads and machined rotors) that they lure you into their dark, lying maw... er, I mean their stores with.

Silly us.

By the time we left we needed a new hydraulic system, new calipers, pads and rotors... for a grand total of $600.

The other day we took our Jeep to one of the local dealers (name withheld pending future testimonial requirements because I plan on taking Just Brakes to court where it will become Just Eli's Brakes) for some routine preventive maintenance. I mentioned that the vehicle wasn't driving right and that we had taken the beast to JB. The service manager smirked and proceeded to tell us that in the last week he's heard 3 different - yet similar - horror stories regarding this "fine establishment."

So I had the dealership check everything that Just Brakes said they fixed - which was all conveniently listed on the invoice still inside the car. Oh checked they did... and what they found was nothing short of criminal.

The only things new on the car were the pads. At least the rotors had been machined. Everything else JB listed - and charged us for - wasn't even touched. Furthermore, a brake seal on one of the front wheels was leaking "badly" and needed to be replaced (by the dealership).

In the coming weeks I will update you on my crusade to right this most egregious wrong. Along the way you might even read about it in one (or more) of the local newspapers, or maybe see of it on the local television news stations.

The Holy Roman Church had their Crusades... I've got my Just Brakes. And this time, breaking someone up is going to be fun to do.

Hark the Hearald Writer's Strike

2007-11-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

We watch us some television. There's nothing like plopping down in front of the ole boob tube and shutting off the brain every now and again.

Well, this year's regularly scheduled television viewing season is coming to and end... right about now. Unless you've been living in a cave (or saving a tree, fighting evil whalers, eating Tofurky, buying a new pair of Birkenstocks, or letting your hair grow long enough to put into a ponytail) you know the writer's down in Hollyweird went on strike a few weeks back. Something about not getting paid enough for their efforts.

Now they're looking for other work. In a recent Variety article written by Marc Graser, writer's are apparently heading to the Webinet, comic books, and the booming video game markets to supplement their income until such time as the Big Wig Studio Heads (some of whom must be related to the gimps and leaders of our Little Village here in Colorado) come to their senses.

While I sympathize with my fellow scribes of the written word, we're walking up a very slippery slope. A slope that I've only recently come to see, thanks to the many drunken debates with my brother and friend(s). I see where the writer's want their piece of the pie. I'd want it, along with my cake, too. Why should actors get payment each and every time their mug is shown, but the truly creative people who wrote the lines for those actors to speak - don't? I get it.

But here's the thing... at what point do you stop dolling out residuals? Does a home builder get payment every time the house he built gets sold? Does a master brewer get a cut of every pint of beer sold? Does the painter get his due each time her framed masterpiece is auctioned off?

What should be doesn't always happen. I mean, how can greedy, corrupt "professional" politicians make more money than teachers? Life isn't fair and the world isn't meant to be easy. So stop your bitching, put down your picket signs. What you do for a living requires zero physical effort. I know, I too am a writer. Mentally demanding? Sure, to some degree. But your place of work consists of an air conditioned room and a comfy leather chair sucking down $4 cups of 'Bucks like water. You could look and be the size of Jabba the fucking Hutt, and hunt-n-peck on your word processor until your fingers turn blue... no one would be the wiser. What you're NOT doing is digging ditches in the South 40, or serving some snot nosed fuck wearing a Rolex who leaves you a 10 cent tip at the local diner... or any one of the innumerable other Dirty Jobs Mike Rowe shows us every week.

Get over it. Cuz if I miss my Battlestar Galactica... someone is gonna pay alright.

More Political CorrectnASS

2007-11-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

It's bad enough that over the last few years "people" (and I use that term very loosely when talking about these schmucks) who are offended by the sun rising in the morning have done their damnedest to take Christ out of "Christmas" in this country. God forbid that we actually continue to celebrate Christmas in this country like we have for decades. We don't want to offend those who have moved to this THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (legally or illegally) - the spineless jellyfish that they are.

But it's not just morons in this country. I rambled about the "Pussification of America" the other day. Turns out that it's actually the entire global community of humanity that is quickly devolving into a life form devoid of a spine.

Check out this recent effort to further dehumanize us - this time be an Australian temp agency who hires people to play Santa Claus during the HOLIDAYS (not winter festivals, CHRISTMAS - which celebrates the Birth of Jesus Christ). Australia, a beautiful country with beautiful people, a cool accent and some really good beer... but a country that began as a prison colony. That wasn't setting them up for failure from the get go, huh?

This temp agency (Westaff) wants to ban their Santa's from bellowing "Ho Ho Ho." Why? Because it might scare kids. So are we breeding the next generation of spineless freaks that will be afraid of their own shadows now? Our world is doomed.

According to Westaff national operations manager Glen Jansz: "The reason behind that is we find that in some cases the little kids can get a little bit scared of the deep 'ho, ho, hos' and we ask them to be mindful of keeping their voices to a lower level," he said.

Glen is probably a "man" (and I use that term very loosely) who is the exact opposite of my main man Ted Nugent - meaning "Super la Femme." Glen... get a $#@ing clue. Thankfully not everyone over there has been bitched slapped too many times by a kangaroo. Family Council of Victoria spokesman Bill Muehlenberg described the ban as "nonsensical." Bravo Bill!

-----

More from the Kangaroo Playground:

Staff members of the Aussie airline QANTAS were booed by passengers at Brisbane Airport after leaving their check-in counters to help an 80-year-old woman who collapsed and died in one of the long terminal lines.

Wow... nice. Is that what they used to do back in the day when your country was a prison?

Glad to see that Americans aren't the only cold, callous, bitches the world seems to think we are.

Ted Nugent = Real American

2007-11-14T13:02:00.001-07:00

From one Mad Man to another... kudos! I couldn't have said it better myself.

The Pussification of America

2007-11-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

My buddy Steven, who is now a resident of the Mile High State, and I were discussing some disturbing things flashing across the Webinet:

Girl, 13, gets detention for hugging two friends

The crux of the issue? A 13 year old eighth-grade girl served two periods of detention for hugging her friends goodbye for the weekend. According to school officials she violated a policy banning public displays of affection. Here's a portion of that policy:

Displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved.

Poor judgment? Discredits the school? Are you #@!* kidding me? Who came up with that garbage? So hugging people is now considered poor judgment? And how the hell does it discredit the school?

Here's that same School Policy translated through my patented Real World Bull Shit Detector:

We are so spineless and so afraid that we will offend someone, or that some sue happy scum bag parent will take us to court that we must ban anything that might offend anyone, anywhere at anytime. Always. Forever. Banned. You. Stop. Breathing. It might upset someone.

This is not unlike taking the Pledge of Allegiance and Praying out of AMERICAN schools. Two things integral to THIS country. You know, just take it out - to vanialize everyone in our so called "Melting Pot" so we don't piss off anyone. Hey, I know... why don't we just rename this country from THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA to "The Melting Pot of the World." So no one has an ethnic identity anymore. Or an opinion. Oh, and while we're at it... why don't we just do away with schools altogether. Everyone seems to know everything and they're just turning into breeding grounds for lawsuits (who then feed the bottom dwelling scum of the earth lawyers). Hell, most Americans are content to sit on their lazy fat asses watching TV 24/7 anyway. We get all the "edumacation" we need from TV. The current Hollywood writer's strike is sure to doom us all.

And thus the Pussification of America steam rolls on, and our slide towards the abyss continues unabated.

Alas, that isn't the only inane thing going on. Check out this little bit of jovial java news...

Ladies First? A Field Study of Discrimination in Coffee Shops

(insert hearty laugh of disgust)

Ya, that's exactly what I did too. Feel free to skim (badabing) over this so called "research" as your sucking down your morning "Cup o' Joe." If you don't feel like doing so (and I don't blame you for not wanting to waste your time with this inane drivel) let me boil (badabing!) it down for you: Men get their coffee all of 20 whole seconds faster than women.

Wow.

So the #@!* what? That's supposed to prove something? Especially something as important as discrimination? Twenty meaningless seconds is now the mark by which discrimination can be determined, huh?

Oh, but it gets better. Believe it or not this woman's (gee, imagine that) paper (as it appears to be a student paper for an Economics class in Vermont) also provides "evidence" showing blacks wait longer than whites, young folks wait longer than the old (as well they should), and the Ugly Ben and Betty's of the world wait longer than the gorgeous. Here's the kicker: the results were just as statistically ridiculous.

People really think this stuff up, act on it and worse - believe in it. Thankfully, I'm not the only one who believes this great country is filled with spineless, Politically Correct (to the point where they're too afraid to actually live their life with MEANING), selfish, overweight, lazy, "I deserve to have a life spoon fed to me," mindless sheep. Check this out in response to the whole coffee BS.

Yes, the Pussification of America continues folks.

And yes... the Mad Man is back.

* Thanks for the heads up on these stories, Steven!

But where's the Mad Man?

2007-11-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

Ya ya... I'm still alive. Been in a bit of a non-writing funk of late, but I'm still around. I'll get back into the swing of things shortly though.

Tosches is Back!

2007-10-11T11:38:00.000-06:00

Rich Tosches is back in the Springs!

Kinda. See, he never really left... he still lives in Colorado Springs. But for the last 2 years he has worked for the Denver Post. When the Post restructured things recently they put the "Rocky Mountain Ranger" out to pasture. Thankfully, The Independent wrangled him back into their stable.

Starting today Ranger Rich is back. Ooooh how he's back! Check out his first diatribe with The Independent by clicking this link... and read all about! Here's a peak: "Pastor Ted sure liked Peter." GET OUT! He did NOT just say that!?

HELL YES HE DID!

Glad your back man! We... OK - I - missed your colorful railings of the monkeys who live in our "little village."

Damn, now I have to go and change my blog's header/intro rant. Ah, who cares... RICH IS BACK! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

Broken Halo 3

2007-10-03T14:40:00.000-06:00

For the last week fanbooooiiis (Halo, Microsoft, et al) around the globe (that includes you TnT) have been dreaming (when they're actually sleeping) of being the one, the only - Master Chef. Er, I mean Master Chief. Savior of the Universe. King of the Impossible. (queue up the totally cheesy but exceedingly awesome Flash Gordon theme performed by Queen below for a trip back to the past).

What's with the name "Master Chief" anyway? They couldn't come up with a better name, so they had to go the Department of Redundant Redundancies? Ugh.

Ah, good times.

Anywho... Broken Halo 3 is nothing more then a recycled, rehashed, glossified expansion pack for Broken Halo 2. Which is a recycled, rehashed, not-nearly-enough-gloss expansion pack for the wondrously original Halo. The second and third iterations of this now wholly unoriginal shooter have sold more copies then the Bible (joke). Actually, Broken Halo 3 made more money then the movie Spider-Man 3 in its first 24 hours of release so it speaks to the mainstreamyness of video games. In particular the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is console (or as I like to call it - k0nz013) gaming.

Gaming has come a very long way since the 80's, when it was considered nothing more then a pastime for womenless, unwashed geeks and freaks. Today, you can find gamers of every age, race, sex, creed, religion and economic status. But that might be part of the problem. As gaming has grown into the juggernaut it is today, it's become more and more diluted. Games don't have to be original in order to amass piles of cash that would make Solomon blush. They just have to appeal to the lowest common denominator. And we all know what that usually entails. In fact, original, creative games are often shunned by publishers for being too risky and not worth the investment. If it can't outsell (as determined by some Nimrod sitting in his office who never actually plays the game to see if it's any good) the number of mocha-java-half-caff-double-espressos Starbucks sells in day (or the number of mixed drinks consumed by Lohan, Hilton and Spears)... why bother?

But I digress... back to Broken Halo 3 and the horde of garish fanboy reviews it's gotten. Here's a fresh and honest review of the above mentioned game. Enjoy!

Hey... YOU!

2007-09-21T13:14:00.001-06:00

Ya, I'm talking you to you Mr. Conservative Head Up my Arse Coloradoan.

* Thanks for the image Steven!

Manscaping?

2007-09-14T07:46:00.000-06:00

There was an article in Tuesday's Gazette entitled, "Manly Men Get Waxed" that, for many reasons, I take serious offense with. Gee, imagine that.

First off... I haven't seen too many burly, macho men IN Colorado Springs. Sorry, ponytails (which seems to be the fashion of choice for men's hairstyles in Colorado) do NOT make one burly or macho. The guy in the picture to the left? No offense to the guy... NOT burly or macho. Sorry.

Secondly, the whole concept that men should have to traipse into a spa (which according to Man Law immediately revokes your Man Card) to get "manscaped" is absurd. Between this whole ungodly "metrosexual" movement (i.e., Nivea for Men Double Action Face Wash... WTF?! What happened to good ole soap and water you panty waists?!?!) and everything else our society is trying to do to erode our manhood... no thanks! You don't see me going around saying, "Hey lady, why don't you go get those saggy boobs fixed?" or "Wow, those crow's feet at the corner of your eyes sure are hideous, why don't you have them erased?" or "Hey, you might wanna call in the landscapers to do something about your mustache. And the forest growing on your legs."

That's society telling you to do that. A society that is absolutely obsessed with requiring people to look like Roman gods of yore. And these so called spas and product whores are sucking it up like Lindsay Lohan sucks up alcohol.

Like the Miller Lite commercials proclaim: men should act like men! Not some dainty, petite little waif that has to have his back waxed or his digits manicured. What would your sword wielding ancestors think of you now!?

Flawless skin? As long as their isn't a gaping, oozing hole in my face that makes me look like the Elephant Man this guy ain't gettin' no foo-foo face treatment with stuff that should be on a salad.

It's bad enough that we have the term metrosexual (defined as: a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males) at all - and tons of "men" who actually embrace this lifestyle with a passion, but I will not abide “manscaping,” which Melissa Cassutt (author of the article) defines as: the art of transforming men’s hairy bodies into something manageable.

Sorry ladies... if you don't like the genetic disposition that God gave us - TOO DAMN BAD! Hey, I'm all for looking clean cut and having a respectable appearance... no one should go around looking like some damn homeless bum, but this whole manscaping thing is a complete joke. I've had my back waxed! Twice! A very long time ago (I had to earn my Man Card back because of it too!). It will never ever happen again. How painful was it? Watch the clip below from the hilarious movie 40 Year Old Virgin. That's EXACTLY what having your hair ripped out en mass by its roots feels like.

Manscape this!

The Mexican 300

2007-09-12T10:23:00.000-06:00

As you all know I'm a huge fan of the movie 300. Well... as awesome as that movie was, this one looks better. And a whole lot funnier!

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* Thanks for passing that on, Larry! Dude... it's hilarious!

Spelling Bee Drop Out

2007-09-10T10:44:00.000-06:00

On our way to work this morning, taking our usual route southbound on I-25 through Colorado Springs, Fran and I noticed that the electronic road signs were proclaiming the following warning to motorists: "Caution: Uneven payment."

Uneven payment, huh?

Wondering what drunken baboon was at the controls of the verbiage on the signs I got to work and immediately Googled the term to make sure I was in fact right about the baboon. I was. There is no such construction term as "uneven payment." It's UNEVEN PAVEMENT you friggin' retarded monkey! And we actually pay these people money?

Or... could this be a message from a disgruntled employee perhaps refering to uneven payments by the city to the construction company? Hmmmm... the saga deepens.

A Sporting Diatribe

2007-09-08T07:46:00.000-06:00

Is anyone else sick and tired of hearing pro golfers bitch about how tough it is to play a recreational activity that most normal people do to relax from work? Come on! I've said it before... golf is not a sport. I'm not saying it's not hard, it's just not a sport in any way shape or form. Speaking of shapes: John Daly. When this guy can be called an athlete with a straight face you know things are out of whack. Take a gander at this physical specimen. He drinks, smokes, eats like a glutton, and has a gambling habit. He's an athlete? Not only that, but look at how he's dressed! That is not a uniform people. It's an outfit you can wear into a 5 star restaurant. GOLF IS NOT A SPORT!

Thus, Tiger Woods can kiss my 9 iron when he says how tough it is to play in consecutive weeks. Dude, you're not even carrying your own clubs! You're married to a Swedish bikini model, own your own island and have more money then God. Your "job" is to hit a little ball with a little stick and then leisurely walk to it. You do this over and over until it goes into a little hole. Give me a break. How about you go and dig a ditch with a shovel 8 hours a day, 5 days a week so you can get back in touch with reality. Tough? You don't know tough. You're not an athlete and you don't play a sport.

Next... baseball (actually all of sports in general), and the ever expanding performance enhancement scandal. All you people who have been hypocritically railing Barry Bonds (and I'm calling out more than one - you and you in particular - of the so called "sports columnists" at the Gazette on this one) as the only player partaking of "flaxseed oil" - how's it feel to have a face full of pie? All you morons who thought Barry (who has YET to be factually linked or fail a test) was the only one taking performance enhancing drugs have apparently been living most of your lives with your head buried in the sand. The numbers we've been hearing over the last few years from the likes of Jose Canseco in regards to the number of players taking something is panning out to be true. Hell, I bet it's even higher then that; I bet it's MOST professional athletes in ALL sports.

Look at last year, when Shawne Merri-roid-man (he of the astounding sack and tackle totals) of the San Diego Charges was fully BUSTED for taking steroids. Dude gets a 4 game ban and NO ONE says anything? What happened to the Yankees first basemen Jason Giambi? He admitted to taking them, implicated others, and he vanishes into the background? Now we have Rick Ankiel (seen left) - the feel good story of the year, and Troy Glaus, two of the "cleanest" cut players in baseball factually linked to taking HGH! And why the hell isn't anyone questioning the integrity of Alex Rodriguez (a.k.a. by me as A-Roid)? Dude all but breaks his ankle, has an MRI and then goes out and hits 2 home runs a few hours later? Compare his size when he came into the league to his girth today. He, along with the likes of Miguel Cabrera (of the Florida Marlins) - he of the tripling body mass in a few short years (sound familiar?) - need to be seriously questioned about what kind of supplementation they are on.

Point is... if you're gonna rail Barry, you need to rail all of baseball (and all of sports really, since doping is prevalent in track and field, cycling, football, etc.). You might start with Bud Selig, who knew all of this was going on but turned a blind eye because he needed all those dingers (remember the world famous home run chase between McGwire and Sosa?) to bring baseball back to the masses after the strike. "The Steroid-Era" has been going on since the late 80's people. This is not a new phenomena. And bonds most certainly was not the only one doing it.

You blind-eyed-as-Selig detractors out there realize what steroids do, right? Oh sure, we can look at the professional wrestlers and marvel at their enhanced (through chemistry) physique, but aside from putting on mass, do you know what the REAL benefit is? Fast recovery time. Now, I wonder what type of baseball player would benefit most from a fast recovery time. Hmmm... pitchers maybe? Pitchers, who contort their arm in positions that it was never meant to be in. Hmmm... imagine that.

While we're on the subject of Barry bashing the homer record... here's something I found to be rather interesting. As every knowledgeable baseball fan knows, the right handed batter Hank Aaron (and I'm not taking ANYTHING away from the man as he is one of the best baseball players of all time) started his career in 1954 with the Milwaukee Braves (who played at Milwaukee County Stadium). Did you know that the dimensions at this ballpark changed considerably during his tenure there? In 1954 the left field dimensions (which is where Hammerin' Hank would naturally hit most of his homers because he's was a right handed batter) ranged from 320 at the foul pole to 410 in dead center. In 1960 portions of the left field wall changed (left field went out 9 feet), while left center and dead center moved in by 5 feet and 8 feet respectively. Bonds has also benefited from an era where shrinking ball parks are the norm. All I'm saying is, it started much further back then most realize.

Then there's the topic of the "juiced" ball in the last 20 years. When the likes of NONAME PLAYER hits double digit homers when he never hit more then single digits... come on. Back in January a news report broke (and was basically swept under the rug) that proved the balls used during McGwire and Sosa's home run tear were in fact "juiced."

Now let's talk about Babe Ruth (again, not taking anything away from the man as he too is one of the greatest of all time). But let's put a few things into perspective. Back when he played there were far fewer players in baseball. Meaning, there were FAR fewer pitchers tossing the ball. Not only that, but there was no such thing as middle relievers, lefty one-hitter specialists, or closers. Ruth, who was also a pitcher of great renown during his time, would have seen the same pitchers (who pitched 9 full innings multiple times a week) ALL THE TIME. It is a fact that the more you see the same pitcher (especially one gets tired much quicker by throwing all 9 innings multiple times a week) will be less difficult to hit then seeing the hundreds of pitchers (lefty specialists, middle relievers, etc.) players must face today. Fact.

So basically... all you bigoted, hypocritical Bonds haters - get over yourself. Get over your homeresque emotions and tendencies and consider ALL the facts, not just the ones you want to believe. You're as bad for the game (and all of sports) as Bud Selig.

A Man's Best Friend

2007-08-22T12:41:00.000-06:00

I'm a huge fantasy football freak, and in preparing for the multitude of drafts I have coming up this weekend (a number of my team's will be called "Vick's Pets" this year) I stumbled across this blurb over on the Fox Sports site:

Michael Vick (Atl - QB)
An NAACP leader said Vick should be allowed to return to the NFL, preferably the Atlanta Falcons, after serving his sentence for his role in a dogfighting operation.

Impact: White said the Falcons quarterback made a mistake and should be allowed to prove he has learned from that mistake. White said the Atlanta chapter supports Vick's decision to accept a plea bargain if it's in his best interest, but he questioned the credibility of Vick's co-defendants, saying an admission of guilt might be more about cutting losses than the truth.

Um... bullshit. And this is yet another reason why our society is so screwed up. Micheal Vick "made a mistake"? A mistake?!? Are you $!@*ing kidding me? A mistake is, oh... I don't know, not giving the correct change back, or grabbing the wrong tampons for your gal, or fumbling the football on the snap. This worthless scum bag KILLED multiple dogs - man's best friend mind you - by electrocution, strangling and drowning because they didn't "perform" up to the level expected in illegal dog fighting matches! That he gambled on. Across state lines. That's as cold blooded as it gets people! What he did was not - I repeat - NOT a mistake. It was an illegal, heartless, cold blooded, cowardly act that needs to be severally punished.

The ONLY reason he even admitted to any guilt was because his "homies" - his dawgs - rolled over on him and the Feds had overwhelming evidence against him. He lied to his mother, to his friends, to his team, and to the commissioner of the NFL when he denied, denied, denied that he had anything to do with this horrific and despicable act. The sack of flotsam should 1) have done unto him what he did to those dogs (since he too has not "performed" up to the level of a good QB since entering the NFL - because he SUCKS), and 2) be banned from the NFL for life.

Oh ya, the NAACP is teaching some really enlightened morales.

Honor, and not only holding people accountable for their actions but being human enough to accept responsibility for those actions... has long since vanished from the landscape. It's a damn shame. And it's going to be the very thing that dooms us all.

Speaking of Roads...

2007-08-17T09:30:00.000-06:00

Let's ponder the genius of the construction company working on the I-25 COSMIX project here in Colorado Springs for a moment. This past Tuesday morning, amidst the very week (the very day for some) school starts back up... the boneheads in charge of the project decide it's a good idea to change the "flow" of southbound I-25 near Fillmore. With a twist.

First off, let me preface this by saying... what exactly are you all working on that has now taken over a month to fix a 2 foot wide strip of concrete running across the entire freeway? What is it that you DIDN'T do right the first time (as this is a new stretch of freeway) that you have to already fix?!?!?

But I digress...

We're all trucking along and - BAM! - brake lights appear, brakes squeal and car rear ends pop up a good quarter to half mile further back then normal. Turns out that the COSMIX Dunderheads changed lanes without bothering to warn anyone. No signs, no indications that anything had been changed. Now, it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the fact that these changes were obviously created and carried out by people fully engulfed in an LSD acid trip. This was without question the most abstract lane weaving I've ever seen in my life.

I know it's not just me because KILO (the rock station I listen to when I'm not listing to Bob & Tom on KKFM in the mornings) and the police were getting bombarded with phone calls from angry drivers, many of whom were either forced off the road and obliterated the big orange caution barrels or were so confused as to where to go that they ended up driving into a closed off lane which dead-ended in construction. Usually I'd harass the horrific drivers in this great state (more on this - and the FUBARed story in the Springs Gazette earlier this week- later), but not this time. This was square on the shoulders of the COSMIX Nimrods.

Funnier still was the cluster of orange vested COSMIX Ignoramuses standing around on the side of the freeway as cars piled on top of each other in what had to be a Larry, Moe and Curly moment. Shoulders shrugging, looking at each other like deers caught in headlights, all mopping around going, "Wasn't my fault. (Larry pulls Moe's hair) Who did this? (Moe boinks Larry in the eyes with his fingers) I don't know. (Curly smashes Larry's head with a piece of rebar)" Idiots.

Now on to the story from the Gazette I mentioned earlier, one entitled: Howdy, Newbies: Colorado welcomes Texans, Californians - But we're pretty sure we know what you're like.

Oh you do?

I could go on a major tirade about this, but frankly I'm all tiraded out at the moment. Read the article, then read the moronic comments from some of the more addle-brained "natives" of this great state just below the article.

I'm about sick of this whole "Welcome to Colorado, Now go Home" mentality. You know what we're like, eh? So you know we're like... smarter then you, right? THAT'S why you hate out-of-staters. That's fine. I can live with that. So step aside (or pull your car off onto the shoulder since you native Coloradans love to STOP on the ONRAMPS of freeways) so we can pull this state into the 21st Century.

ADDENDUM: Harsh? No more so then the lovely "Now go Home" mentality. My "smarter then you" comment obviously (to most with common sense, but then there seems to be an abject lack of common sense these days) does not pertain to ALL Colorado "natives." Making a blanket statement about any race, creed, job, people, religion, etc. is pure foolishness. And what is the basis for my comment? Unlike some people who never venture much beyond their front porch, I'm from California by way of Indiana and Arizona. I'm also a Plant Manager for an inter-state company. I had to get a satellite production facility off the ground here in the Springs from ground zero. The nincompoops I had to deal with in order to accomplish that task - MOST (not all) of them being Colorado "natives" - has more then once made me question their mental ability to get up in the morning, let alone actually perform their so called job. Thus I coined a phrase: "Coloradans are the nicest people on the planet, but they're as dumb as rocks." Being slandered ("Welcome to Colorado, Now go Home") doesn't feel too good... does it?

A New Road

2007-08-16T13:54:00.000-06:00

Just stumbled across what could be a very good miniseries. Tin Man, A SciFi Original set to debut in December, is the re-imagining - a modern, updated retelling if you will - of the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz.

Before you scream in horror at the audacity of someone to attempt such a thing, let alone the SciFi Channel (which usually fills the airwaves with complete and utter crap)... take a look at this teaser.

Now go here, and take a look at a much longer clip. And yes, that is Richard Dreyfuss as the Wizard. I gotta say... it looks spectacular!

This brings up an interesting question though: should such a historical epic such as "The O.Z." be allowed to be "re-imagined" at all? What do you think?

A Snakey Situation!

2007-07-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

You might have seen these photos making the rounds in your Email box, but if not...

A guy in St. Louis was driving to work on Hwy 144 when he heard a 'pop'! -- He thought it sounded like a flat tire, though his ride wasn't affected.

After pulling over, checking the tires and finding them intact, he opened the hood to look at the motor. Before the hood was even all the way open he jumped back in shock and knocked his head on the partially opened hood, unable to believe what his eyes were seeing! Nobody was going to believe this!

You sure wouldn't have either! Fortunately, a coworker with a camera recognized him along side the road and stopped to see if he could help.

Check out the attachment photos to witness for yourself the source of his amazement. Now, this has to be right up there at the top of the list of unusual but verified 'Reasons I was late for work'!

Pastor Tested - God Approved!

2007-07-25T09:20:00.001-06:00

Thriller

2007-07-23T09:49:00.001-06:00

The following video was done by 1,500 plus inmates at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in Cebu, Philippines! Pretty incredible when ya think about it.

This says it all...

2007-07-19T12:10:00.001-06:00

Thanks for sending this to me Mark and Heather! ;)

ELI: The Movie

2007-07-19T08:55:00.000-06:00

I'm not kidding.

Check out the official website here.

Sure, it's only 16 minutes long... but it's a start.

So... who wants an autograph before I become all big and famous and forget about the little people?! ;)

The Green Monster turns 38!

2007-07-18T13:29:00.000-06:00

Peter Moore's sudden and unexpected departure as the public face of Microsoft (to EA Sports no less) made a splash yesterday. As a PC gamer and bonafide console despiser ('cept for the Wii - more on that later)... big deal. Most of the doublespeak the dude spewed about Vista and Games for Windows was all a bunch of marketing rhetoric that added up to huge piles of cow dung.

I found this tidbit of info far more exciting: The studio formerly known as Green Monster Games, founded by Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, Spawn creator Todd McFarlane and sci-fi/fantasy author R.A. Salvatore has announced a name change to 38 Studios, as well as further hinted at its first title, a McFarlane-art directed MMO.

The studio has said it will be "introducing the company, senior staff, and artistic and storytelling visionaries McFarlane and Salvatore" at this year's San Diego Comic-Con 2007.

The developer has also said that one of the forthcoming titles that will "explore the new intellectual property being developed by 38 Studios" will be an MMO that will feature the art and vision of McFarlane as well as the storytelling of Salvatore.

Said Schilling of the studio, "The combined passion of the dev team and commitment of every member of this company means we'll reach our goals and surpass our expectations because the individuals have already 'been there and done that'. Our goal to redefine conventional interactive entertainment will be reached through the team's commitment and strategic partnerships." - Taken from GamaSutra

Croatia in the hooooouuuuuse!

2007-07-16T09:47:00.001-06:00

Croatia has been getting pimped quite a lot lately. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but Croatia is where my Grandfather (dad's side) was born. The birthplace of my crazy last name!

Apparently Croatia is THE new international hot spot. The May/June issue of Draft Magazine listed Croatia at #1 in their regular bi-monthly column, Top Ten Places to Drink a Beer.

As I was doing some research on the all high-definition Channel INHD (now called Mojo) about a show called Beer Nutz (a show about beer), I found a show called Three Sheets with Zane Lamprey, which is being advertised as "The World's Biggest Pub Crawl." Now that's something I can relate to! Lucky bastard. Anywho, this Zane dude is currently in Croatia!

Here are a few tidbits I picked up off their site about my homeland. Go here to check it all out!

The Croatian term zivjeli means "to life" and is often used as a toast.
Croatia is regarded as one of Europe's hottest tourist destinations.
The tie was invented in Croatia.
The dalmatian dog originated from Dalmatian coast of Croatia.
The term "domestic" is derived from Domus, meaning home.

With all this publicity... I might just have to go visit the ole homeland soon and track down some of my kin so I can have some homemade grappa and maraska!

Zivjeli!

Grand Theft Voiceover!

2007-07-14T10:30:00.000-06:00

Are you a fan of the Grand Theft Auto series? Love the music and the radio DJ chatter? Do you listen to (and call into) late not talk show stations dealing with aliens and conspiracies?

Rockstar wants the masses to call into the Liberty City radio station and make their voices heard! That's right, WKTT Talk Radio is now accepting real-world phone calls! Gamers can now give their opinion about what's wrong with Liberty City and/or America. The best ones will actually get used on the upcoming GTA IV soundtrack.

What the heck ya waiting for? Call now!

Podcasting the E3-ject!

2007-07-10T08:06:00.000-06:00

Sorry, can't take credit for the word "E3-ject." That goes to Robin Yang, GameDaily's very own intern, who, like myself, is not attending this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo (aka E3).

Aside from most of the GameDaily staff attending the all new and hopefully improved video game industry convention this year, my good buddy Terry Terrones (and his ever faithful sidekick - aka his wife) will also be there. Terry and his brother Phil do a weekly podcast about gaming, movies, sports and whatever British stuff pops into their noggins. Last night I was honored to be their first official guest to the show. If you're inclined to give a listen, go here and give Episode 8 a whirl. Or you can pop over to Terry's blog and listen to it via the applet on the right hand column. We talk about E3, the movies “Once” and “Transformers”, competitive eating, and I got to participate in their weekly feature - Choose Your Poison. Phil asked me 5 brain busting questions that I had to answer on the spot. I had a great time and would love to come back!

Speaking of E3... the best place on the Web to get all your live blogging and conference feeds from this year's invite only E3 is GameDaily's Live E3 Coverage Page. Why should you care? Unless your an industry person, you can't get in. Period. That's right.. no more basement dwelling, foul smelling, brother's mother's third cousin's friend of the 30-something dork who works at the local GameStop store allowed this year. Finally. My one horrific visit to E3, which should have been like a pilgrimage to Mecca, was more like a visit to Dante's third level of Hell.

I'm very curious to see how the new E3 - an event now focused back on gaming industry journalists - plays out this year. I might consider going again. Might.

Beer... it does a body good.

2007-06-30T10:49:00.000-06:00

Since (all things) beer has started to become a bigger part of my ramblings (and with any luck a bigger part of my life in the future - oooh aaah, so cryptic!)... I decided to create a wholly separate blog just for that delicious passion of mine.

With that said I have taken all the fun beer components from "Ramblings of a Mad Man" and moved them over to the new blog ... Confessions of a Beer Geek.

Go. Now. What are you waiting for!?!

A Bilingual Country?!?!

2007-06-25T12:13:00.000-06:00

If you haven't noticed I've added a new feature to the blog - "Poll o' the Day." So, to break it in I have a question for ya'll, and I'd like some feedback... it's about a rather touchy subject.

Do you think that immigrants (legal or illegal) should speak the language of the country they go to in order to live/work? For instance, should the horde of Mexicans that flood across the border on a daily basis learn English if they are going to work and live here?

I say: "Hell yes!"

Now here's a follow up question: Does saying "yes" to the first question make that person a racist? If you think so - I want to know exactly why and how? I want details that prove and justify that stance. Don't come back with anger, emotion or "Just Because." That don't work.

Because here's how I see things... English is the one and only official language of the United States of America. I'm all for multi- culturalism, but this is not the United States of the World. It's the US of A. Last I checked this great country wasn't run by a United Nations styled organization. Yes, immigrants made (and still make) this country what it is - I realize that. Hell, my grandfather was born in Croatia and came over here when he was 2 years old. But here's the big difference between then and now: they had respect. They (had it tougher then anyone today could ever possibly imagine) spoke their native tongues while also learning the language of their new home - English.

Not learning the native tongue of the country you have voluntarily (legally or illegally) decided to move lock, stock and barrel to is outright disrespect for that country and its people. If I were to move to Mexico (Germany, Belgium, France, etc.) where English was not the native tongue - I would expect myself to learn their language. I would not be so arrogant as to make the people of that country learn MY language.

That's not being racist.... that's being patriotic to your country while being respectful of others.

Now, I speak not exclusively of Mexicans either. I know first hand of a company that employees a large number of Cuban born people. This company offered, free of charge AND on company time, to send them to learn English. Let me reiterate that... they were going to be paid to learn English.

Only one (of the few dozen who in fact work there) showed up. Oh, but it gets worse. They actually organized what amounted to a mini-rebellion by saying: "We don't have to learn their language, they have to learn ours."

Oh, hell no! That isn't gonna fly! Not now... not ever! With that kind of attitude they can all get on the next flotation device heading south. Hasta la vista, baby.

This is the United States of America, land of the free and home of the brave. We welcome any all - as this country has done from its inception - as long as they play by the rules which we the people have voted on from day one. Because as we all know, people - ALL people - need rules. Otherwise, there would be anarchy.

Maybe it's just me, but a brazen "fuck you" attitude like the one I described above will lead us all to a very bad place... one that no one wants to get to.

Not now... not ever.

The 10 Commandments of Lawncare

2007-06-22T10:06:00.000-06:00

In keeping with the absurdity of the Vatican's 10 Commandments for Driving, my buddy Steven just riffed this list off. It is one funny piece of literature!

The 10 Commandments of Lawncare

1. Thou shalt not let thine lawn grow more than 4 inches before thine runs a mower over it.
2. When thine canine defecates in the lawn of another, be courteous and pick up the offending odoriferous log.
3. If thine leaves from thine tree, or the cuttings from thine mower blow into the yards of thine neighbor, do the righteous thing and sweep them into thine bin.
4. Thine trees will not hang into thine neighbor’s airspace.
5. A weed taller than thou is no longer a weed, but a monument to thine laziness.
6. Waste not the water from thine hose - wash thine horseless carriage in your yard and kill two birds with one stone.
7. Procreate, for every child thine has means less time working the lawns thine self.
8. Start early, finish early, so thine days feel longer, but do not use motorized leaf blowers before 10:30 AM.
9. Plant not more than thine family can consume, thine neighbors really don't want 5 more bags of tomatoes.
10. Do not covet the fruits and vegetables of thine gardens. Carrots and cucumbers are meant to be eaten, not used in a fashion of debauchery.

TGIF - Mad Man Style!

2007-06-22T08:20:00.000-06:00

I'm going to start a new "feature" entitled "Rants from the Asylum." It'll be a Thank God Its Friday style collection that appears on Fridays about things that I've stock piled during the week that I can't (or don't want to) devout an entire column to, but still have something to say about. Like...

By now you know I have a mini-obsession with the massive multiplayer online video game, City of Heroes (and its bad brother City of Villains). Well, it turns out that the producer for the upcoming movie Transformers (which I think will be the summer blockbuster) - Tom DeSanto - has apparently secured the rights to NCsoft and Cryptic Studio's popular superhero/villain game. The plan is to adapt it into a live-action feature and then transition it to television in some form. Sweet mutha! WOOOHOOOO!

Fran and I drove (a mere 4-hours) up to Snowmass a few weekends ago for the 4th annual Chili Pepper & Beer Festival. We had a helluva great time. In fact, we had so much fun we're going back next year. We've done the Beaver Creek Blues and Brews Fest three years in a row, and we've been up to the Telluride Blues & Brews, but this was off the hook fun. We had some great new beers (cheers to the light amber lager from Trinidad Brewing Company, and it was a shock to see Stone Brewing all the way from San Diego there!), and listened to some phenomenal tunes. Spencer Durham and his group were fantastic, but listening to Ziggy Marley singin' his dad's tunes... almost a religious experience.

If you're a big fan of the NBC show Heroes, and are suffering from withdraws - like many of us are, maybe it's time to give City of Heroes a whirl! Check out this article for more ideas on how to quell the addiction.

Speaking of video games, this just in: PricewaterhouseCoopers issued a report yesterday predicting significant growth for the video game industry over the next several years (global gaming market to approach $50 BILLION by 2011 - how's that for vid games being for kids?!?!). Click here to read the entire article over at GameDaily Biz - THE industry source for video game professionals.

I want to give a shout out to my graveyard shift working amigo down at Ft. Huachuca, Arizona (where I was born) - congrats on the 50" DLP Mikey! Between that and the new grill... "life is good!" Sorry that it's 110 friggin-hot-as-hell degrees down there though. Well, you like it... and Fran would too, but not me. Hey, at least it's a "dry" heat, right?! Oh, and call me at a normal hour ya illegal alien vampire stalker! ;)

Lastly... my friend Larry sent me the following little ditty. Hilarious stuff!

"Wrong Bitch" - The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged Frenchwoman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have this seat?" The Frenchwoman sniffed and said "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the dog, tossed it out the window and sat down.The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An Englishman nearby spoke up, " Sir, you Americans have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

The 10 Commandments of Driving

2007-06-21T10:12:00.001-06:00

So you've heard that the Cardinals and Bishops and such over in the Vatican actually sat down and banged out a "10 Commandments For Driving" list right? (seriously)

If not, here they are:

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not-so-young not to drive when they are not in a fit condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible towards others.

So let me get this straight... all is right in the world at the moment, huh? There's no war, famine, pestilence, global warming, crime, murder, overpopulation, so on and so forth.

And the Pope, along with the rest of his clergy, had nothing better to do so they decided to kill some free time by sitting around and hammering out some holy driving guidelines? Alrighty then...

Will these be included on the next DMV test?

ADDITION: This last week or two driving north on I-25 has been pure hell. Someone at Cosmix needs to redo the North Nevada on ramp getting on to I-25 (around Rockrimmon and Woodmen), and whoever originally designed it needs to be fired. Pronto. That bottle neck causes stop-n-go traffic - each and evry day - all the way past Fillmore. It's insane! Oh, and another thing... people in this state have NO clue how to merge onto a freeway. GET A CLUE PEOPLE!

Personal Computing

2007-06-20T08:44:00.000-06:00

PC gaming... just one of my many passions - like living the beer life; working out fervently so I can live the beer life without carrying around a keg for a belly; writing about the beer life; coming up with ways to make money living the beer life (bars, beer tours, etc.); PC gaming, and writing the never-ending novel. And of course - loving my wife!

Over the last several months I've been testing out a few items that have since become "official" PC gaming peripherals of the Mad Man. These are items that I believe all PC gamers should get their grubby mitts on ASAP in order to improve their overall gaming experience.

First up we have Bigfoot Networks Killer NIC (network interface card). This beast really does help eliminate the lag and latency associated with online gaming. Check out my review of this networking maestro here for all the details as to why you need one of these sooner rather then later. Especially if you're brave (or is that stupid?) enough to be running Vista. It comes in two versions ( The M1 has an MSRP of $279.99, the K1 has an MSRP of $199.99), and both do a bang up job.

Next up... Logitech's G15 gaming keyboard. My editor Steven said it's the best keyboard he's come across (and that's saying something since he's tested so many lately). Although this bad boy is retailing for $99, you can pick it up off eBay for half that (I did). With a plethora of gaming features - 64 programmable macro keys, a little LCD to tell you all sorts of interesting things, MP3 compatible, backlit with a sweet blueish color to game at night without the lights on (S.T.A.L.K.E.R. takes on a whole new creepy meaning my friends)... you can't go wrong. With a few weeks of test driving this thing, it is oh so sweet.

Moving on... if you don't wanna go to all the hassle of setting up a 5.1 surround sound system for your PC, do I have a great alternative for you! Turtle Beach has one serious set of gaming headphones - the Ear Force HPA2 - are the best I've heard (and I've tested plenty in the last 6 months). In my recent review I gave it a perfect 10/10. It's the only set of headphones we've given a perfect mark to. For a limited time you can snag a pair of these insanely comfy cans for a mere $99 (normally $129.00). The biggest bonus is its ability to thump out true ear drum rattling bass! Something no other headphones have been able to impress me with. These do!

Lastly... if you've never used a specialized gaming surface for your mouse - like me - do yourself a favor and try one out. The Razer eXactMat friggin rocks! This large, anodized aluminum mat has two surfaces (one for speedy action/adventure and FPS games that require high-sensitivity, and one for controlling RPG and RTS and other low-sensitivity games). I didn't think such a thing would make so much of a difference... but it does!

It's been a good long while since I did my "What I'm BLANK-ing List," so...

Playing: S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (kick ass fun, and kick as HARD), City of Heroes (& Villains), Overlord demo (this is gonna be a great, fun game folks!), Dungeon Runners (a hysterical new freetail MMO from NCsoft)

Watching (TV): Rescue Me (GREAT show!), Hell's Kitchen (guilty pleasure), Meadowlands (Showtime's new, very bizarre, series), Pirate Master (Jack Sparrow would kick all their asses), Deadwood

Watching (Movies): Breach (really good "slow burn" thriller), Spider-Man 3 (somewhat disappointing)

Listening To: Army of Anyone (lead singer of Filter + guitarist and bassist from Stone Temple Pilots = ROCKIN'!), the Spencer Durham Group, Pillar (outstanding Christian rock band), my buddy Terry Terrones (aka ColoradoJoe) Podcast, Skillet (another great Christian rock band)

Reading: Dan Brown's Angels & Demons (super good, better than The Da Vinci Code!) and From the Ashes of Angels by Andrew Collins (a very intriguing pseudo-religious viewpoint)

Writing: Been on a 2-month "break" from working on my never ending novel, but I'm almost at page 100; writing a preview for the upcoming game Loki

Waiting For: Big Brother 8 (another guilty pleasure - LOVE this show!); Bioshock; Hellgate London; and September 1 - we're going to see the KING! (BB King's Blues Festival @ Red Rocks, with BB King, Etta James and Al Green - WOOOHOOOOO!)

Jamaica Me Even More Crazy!

2007-06-12T18:36:00.000-06:00

Fran and I have been trying to figure out what causes the magical feeling that washes over you when you arrive in Jamaica. What makes it so special, so... "ire"? The Jamaican people are definitely a huge part of it. Everyone is so laid back and happy that you'd swear they were born in a recliner. I guess when you mix sun, Rum, Reggae, Red Stripe and Ganja... who WOULDN'T be "ire", right?!

After getting through customs we found the Couples Welcome Office easily enough. Before we made it to the wide, cherry wood doors a friendly Couples staffer walked up and grabbed our bags out of our hands. "Your vacation starts now, these are my responsibility now."

Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

As we trudged up to the welcome desk to get checked in I spied a small bar off to my left. Like a deer drawn to headlights I drifted closer and found that it came with two taps sporting the Red Stripe logo. The handful of empty bar stools looked lonely. Letting Fran do the dirty work (she was at that time still not a beer fan) I mozied closer and "shook hands" with one of the seats. It was as happy to see me as I was to be sitting in it. But no one was behind the counter and I couldn't get anyone's attention. The Red Stripe was calling me.

About this time a fellow traveler (also a Professional Drinker) saddled up to the bar to meet one of the seats - it was Travis. I vaguely remember us cracking a joke or two as we waited for someone - ANYONE! - to start pouring. After a few polite coughs, another friendly Couples staffer appeared and the suds started flowing. Hallelujah! "Vacation" had officially commenced!

I took two Red Stripes and headed off to find Fran, as happy as a child with a shinny new present on Christmas morn. She was just finishing up the check in process when I greeted her with a huge smile and a cup 'o Red Stripe. She took. She drank. She liked!

We took a seat in the comfy waiting area, but no sooner had my posterior touched down then I noticed that my cup was empty. I mozied back over to the bar and informed the young lady serving beers to other thirsty travelers that my cup had "sprung a leak" and I needed a new one - along with a refill of course. Like a Rasta man with Ganja, my cup (several of them I think) was instantly filled.

"Ire" had gotten hold of us...

Traffic 411

2007-06-07T10:29:00.000-06:00

Got a question for all you Colorado Springs Gazette folks (Andy, Terry, Warren, etc.)...

What's up with the traffic flux on Thursdays here?

I've been keeping track of this odd phenomena for the last 2 years now, so I know this isn't just a bizarre coincidence. It starts in the mornings when I'm walking our dog Osa around the block. The number of cars that leave on Thursday mornings (and ONLY on Thursday mornings) is double what it is the other four days of the week. When we hit I-25 on the north end of down, the traffic is atrocious. What's up with that?! Does everyone go to church on Thursday morning, are there more schools in session? Is there something that Fran and I are missing... like a beer tasting or something?!?!

Speaking of schools... I can NOT believe the number of cars that are added to I-25 during the school year. It's absolutely insane! Every day this week (since school let out) we are CRUISING to work. There's NO traffic! This will last right up until school starts back up. Again, this is something I've noticed over the last 3 years or so (we live on the far north side of town and work way down on the south side and traverse the whole of Cosmix every day), so I know it's not just me. What's up with that? Are there that many kids that have to be driven to school here?!

OY!

Friends in Low Places

2007-06-07T10:16:00.000-06:00

So this is what Osa does while we're gone during the day, huh?

* Thanks for the pic Steven!

Vista Through a Cracked Looking Glass

2007-06-05T14:01:00.002-06:00

So lately I've been having several interesting discussions with a myriad of folks about Vista, Games For Windows Live, the actual two games for Vista (Halo 2 and Shadowrun - which I'm writing a review for at this very moment and will be posted on GameDaily on Friday) and the assortment of botches each one demonstrates. We're having one over on Terry Terrones' (the Colorado Springs Gazette's video game guru) blog, As the Gaming World Turns - if you care to participate.

My buddy Steven, knowing full well how I've turned from being a proponent of Bill Gates & Croonies - er, I mean Company, found this flow chart (created by Brian Briggs over at BBspot.com)... which I HAD to put up for you all to see. And laugh at. Enjoy!

(Click on the image to enlarge)

UPDATE: Just found an interesting article over on a site called DailyGame, which is awfully close (too close perhaps?) to our own AOL GameDaily. Sounds like a job for lawyers. Bleh. Anywho... the author of this rant sounds as pissed off as I am about Microsoft!

Hey Billy G... the natives are getting restless! Could be that "The Pow Wow Starts Now!" Boooya!

Who da Big Cheese?!

2007-06-04T11:08:00.001-06:00

This is so funny I had to pass it along. It's a from the Bigger Than Cheeses website.

(Click on the image to enlarge)

* Thanks for sending this along Steven!

Microsoft's Meltdown?

2007-06-01T13:51:00.000-06:00

I recently wrote an article about the troubles with Vista, Microsoft's newest operating system. It was not flattering. While Vista might be laden with lots of "wow" that will appeal to Average Joe Computer User, the reason many of us in the gaming industry are crucifying it is based solely on the massive marketing hype that this new OS would bring a renaissance to PC gaming. Oh how I wish we were looking at a different Vista.

If this is a renaissance, I'd hate to see an inquisition.

My fellow GameDaily editors and I have been discussing the copious amounts of bad press Microsoft has garnered of late. Vista continues to disappoint; fully baked component driver's remain unavailable 6 months after release (which begs the question - why is NVIDIA, ATI and Creative having so much trouble stabilizing their drivers in the first place); games (both new and old) need to be individually tweaked in order to operate correctly, or in same cases - at all... all this from an operating system that was supposed to revolutionize and revitalize PC gaming.

If this is a revolution, I'd prefer the status quo... which in this case is Windows XP.

But the trials and tribulations of Vista are just the proverbial tip of the problematic iceberg for Microsoft. In conjunction with what can only be classified as a miserable launch failure, two other key components of the whole "The WOW Starts Now" campaign can't even get off the launch pad. Two games, Halo 2 and Shadowrun (the development companies for both of these games are owned and operated by Microsoft), were to christen the arrival of Games for Windows - Live. This application allows users of the Xbox Live service to finally play against PC users in the titular showdown of which gamer is better - but only for games that support it. Halo 2 was supposed to release way back on May 8. It has been delayed twice and STILL isn't out. Early final beta reviews are not flattering by the way, but Microsoft hasn't said a peep about when we can expect to see Master Chief unveiled. Maybe he's busy covering up. Shadowrun dropped yesterday, and I'm due to receive my review copy tomorrow... so stay tuned.

Vista, Live and both of these games have been in development for years... and this is the best they can do? If Microsoft can't get their own games to work with their own operating system using their own communication application... why the @!#% bother?

Maybe the folks up in Redmond, WA, are drinking too much brew (Pyramid, Widmer Brothers and a slew of other fantastic microbreweries are located in the Great Northwest) or smoking too much doob. Or maybe Microsoft is banking on their next great invention... a surface table top PC, which, I must admit looks insanely cool. But then, Vista looked insanely cool too. Take a look for yourself...

So... what do you think? Is Microsoft sliding down the backside of Monopoly Mountain careening towards an immovable pine tree, or do they have a smokin' ace up their sleeve? Let me hear your thoughts.

Illegal Friday

2007-06-01T07:02:00.000-06:00

Rush Limbaugh is a pompous wind bag, but this diatribe on illegal immigration is dead on.

And while we're talking about illegals... this is interesting:

From the HAYS (KS) DAILY NEWS by R. W. Yeager Norton, Ks., (Fri, 18 May 2007)

We need to show more sympathy for these people. They travel miles in the heat, they risk their lives crossing a border, they don't get paid enough wages, they do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do, they live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language, they rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day every day.

I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans; I'm talking about our troops. Doesn't it seem strange that the Democrats are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegal's, but don't support our troops and are now threatening to defund them?

* (thanks for passing this along Larry)

Pee & Poo

2007-05-25T12:44:00.000-06:00

So this is what its come down to, huh? Is this really what we want to give our kids as toys?

And no, those are not Hershey Chocolate Kisses... they are exactly what you think they are. But there's more... there's a whole line of pee and poo products.

I mean, how did this idea even get off the drawing board? You would think at some point during the process from conception to production that SOMEONE would have stood up and said, "Guys, turning human waste byproducts into cute lil marketing gimmicks isn't such a good idea."

Those are toy recreations of human urine and feces in that plastic box folks. PEE & POO!

DISGUSTING!

I guess you could give this to someone and say, "Have a Shitty Day" with a smile on your face. Right?

* (thanks for passing this along to me Steve-o!)

The Price of Gas & Illegals

2007-05-25T06:34:00.000-06:00

A couple of interesting factoids to mull over while sucking down your morning cup o' joe or satiating that late night insomnia induced hunger...
==========================================================

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap, it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19... $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99... $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49... $21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER, and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at... $5,200 a gallon!!!!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid... Printer Ink!!!

(*thanks for passing this along to me dad!)

-------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 May 2007 06:01:26 -0400

From the HAYS (KS) DAILY NEWS by R. W. Yeager Norton, Ks.

We need to show more sympathy for these people. They travel miles in the heat, they risk their lives crossing a border, they don't get paid enough wages, they do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do, they live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language, they rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day every day.

I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans; I'm talking about our troops. Doesn't it seem strange that the Democrats are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegal's, but don't support our troops and are now threatening to defund them?

* (thanks for passing this along Larry)

A Giant Catastrophe!

2007-05-24T07:23:00.000-06:00

A few rants to read while ya suck down your morning java...

Dateline - Denver, CO - A Coors train tanker full of Rocky Mountain goodness derailed yesterday, spilling all of its golden delicious contents. Alas poor beer, we never knew ye or were allowed your frosty hoppiness to touch our lips. You will be mourned.

Dateline - New York, NY - Jason Giambi deflected the steroid fueled witch hunt of Barry Bonds briefly when he admitted to taking performance enhancing horse drugs (aka steroids). He did come to Barry's defense in a round about why whey he said: "I'm probably tested more than anybody else. I'm not hiding anything. That stuff didn't help me hit home runs. I don't care what people say, nothing is going to give you that gift of hitting a baseball. I was wrong for doing that stuff. What we should have done a long time ago was stand up players, ownership, everybody and said: 'We made a mistake.'"

Bingo.

Barry might be a "giant" ass of a human being, but he's still the greatest ball player to ever live. The Best. Ever. Anyone who thinks otherwise is 1) not a true fan of the game of baseball, and 2) has no F'ing clue what they're talking about (and I'll be more than happy to get into a very long debate with anyone, anywhere, at anytime about this... just be ready to be besieged with facts).

Snow?! In late May?! Where's my hummingbird!?

2007-05-23T17:55:00.000-06:00

5:55 PM Mountain Daylight Time

Just over two hours from the season finale of Lost, and at the 7,200 foot elevation mark... it's snowing. Heavily. Oh, but there's no global warming.

Jamaica this is not. I want my white beach, reggae, and Red Stripe! NOW!

Movie Theme-a-paloza!

2007-05-21T13:53:00.000-06:00

This guy has...

1) Too much time on his hands.

2) A real talent for lyrical musings.

3) A fondness for movie themes.

4) All of the Above.

Whatever... they're HILARIOUS!

For even more of these theme parodies, go here.

Lost...

2007-05-18T10:28:00.000-06:00

Alrighty all you Lost fans...

I posted this stuff over on Andy Wineke's (Springs Gazette TV writer) SpringsTV Talk blog (scroll down to the entry titled "Lost Recap"), but I rambled on SO much about this week's episode ("Greatest Hits") that I thought I'd post 'em here for YOU all to comment on. Plus they never seem to get any feedback, so....

Here's what Andy said:

There are rules on this here island:

1.Ben is lying.

2. Sayid is always right.

3. Don't mess with the Honolulu police.

4. Your father? He sucks.

and, for God's sake Charlie,

#5 - THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY IN THE HATCH!

-----

And here's what I went off with...

Interesting episode. Didn't really get moving until the last 2 seconds, but... here are some thoughts:

The flashback scene of Charlie playing guitar was close to the Desmond time-travel episode. After checking Lost Easter Eggs though, it's not exactly the same. SO... did something happen to change that event, or was it a different one? It was SO close as to be too much of a coincidence. Adding to your list of "rules" - there are NO coincidences! ;)

The gal that Charlie saved from the mugger (who likely has a connection somehow because they partially obscured his face) was none other then Syiad's "girlfriend" who we've seen a few times in his flashbacks.

Is Alex (Ben's "daughter") finally catching on that he ISN'T her REAL dad? As far as we know she was taken from Russo when she first crashed on the island, presuming that she had her BEFORE she came to the island. Another lie by Ben.

Who are the two similarly clad (uniforms?) women pointing rifles at Charlie? I'm thinking original Dharma folk. If what Juliette said was true (that no one she knew has ever been down there because of an "incident") then this must be yet another lie by Ben. Or are they Ben's "ace in the hole" so to speak?

Really good setup for the finale.

-----

Next week's episode is called "Through the Looking Glass." The new underwater hatch is called the Looking Glass. The insignia for it is a rabbit. The sequel to Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland (AiW) is, "Through the Looking Glass, and what Alice Found There" (TtLG). Boiled down, that book was about "many mirror themes, including opposites, time running backwards, and so on." Sound familiar?

AiW had a deck of cards as the theme, TtLG had a chess theme. A chess game would be a good way to describe Lost.

OBVIOUSLY there is a strong allegorical connection to these books. In fact:

* Locke mentions AiW when speaking to Jack in the 5th episode of season 1 (written as 1.5) about the symbolic "white rabbit" (referring to his father's elusive image). It's also the title of the episode. ("White Rabbit") The number 15 is one of the Lost numbers.

* The number 42 was used in numerous books by Carroll and is believed to hold special meaning for him. It's also one of THE numbers.

Nothing is a coincidence. There are no thrown in dialog or scenes. EVERY SINGLE THING connects somehow. Always. I mean... when the writers put a bumper sticker on Charlie's guitar that reads "I was here a moment ago" (in reference to the time travel flashbacks), come on... these guys don't miss ANYTHING. Ever.

The people who say these guy's can't write are so full !*@& as to be laughable. These are the same people who likely have a problem writting their name, and wouldn't know a story if it walked up and cracked them in the skull. Idiots.

BTW... upon more research, the Mystery Mugger looks A LOT like Charlie's band mate Roderick (he was the one wearing a similar hat, sitting in front of the bus when their song came on the radio in "Greatest Hits").

-----

Here's a thought, after looking at the stills from Lost Easter Eggs again:

The two gals we see in the Looking Glass are similarly clad as I mentioned. The blonde, the one holding the pistol on Charlie, APPEARS to be younger than the brunette (who is holding a rifle). In fact... it could be POSSIBLE that the blonde is the daughter and the brunette is the mother.

Could this be Young Ben's lost love and their child? It would explain why Ben lied about the "incident" at the Looking Glass and why he doesn't want anyone to go out there.

Hmmmmmm...........

-----

I KNOW there are Lost fans in the house, so bring it on!! ;)

Jamaica Me More Crazy!

2007-05-17T18:38:00.000-06:00

Reality hit Fran and I square between the eyes this week, and I've been in what can only be described as some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Post Latitudinal Relaxation Depression Disorder, maybe? Whatever... it's official: reality sucks. Jamaica does not. Jimmy Buffett had it right. Pitch it all, hop a boat and sail around the Carribean. During our vacation we partook in the catamaran cruise (a.k.a. the "Booze Cruise") and it dawned on me: "This is the life!" I mean... just look at that sunset?!

If Jimmy B can do it, so can I. Do ya think the Tax Man would have a problem writing off a catamaran as a "commute vehicle"?

OK, back to the story... Fran hung the phone up at 12:30 AM. The alarm was set to go off at 2:30 AM. With hackles still raised we tried to get some shuteye before the inevitable wail. Which worked out about as well as the war in Iraq. We were like two kids on Christmas Eve.

Wearily we made our way to the airport, and proceeded to check in our bags at the United (the airline that American bumped us over to) ticket counter. Not that simple. The ticket dude, who was as tired as us apparently, punched in our info and came back with, "Will you be paying for these with cash or credit card?" Dumbfounded, we fumbled through sleep deprivation to explain what happened, all the while trying to keep the rage bottled up. Turns out we had to get tickets from United, then haul ass back over to the American counter to get some other piece of dead tree for confirmation.

Getting the hell outta Dodge (in this case the United States of Incompetence) was looking better and better by the minute. Thankfully, the flight to Jamaica (by way of a layover/connection in Charlotte, North Carolina - were I bizarrely came up with an idea for a post-apocalyptic story) was smooth, albeit most of it was spent sleeping. Upon landing in Montego Bay, we hit the ground running.

I had been to Jamaica a few times back in 2001. Back then the Montego Bay airport resembled a bomb shelter more than an international hub for air transportation. I remember walking into the bathroom and being offered beer, rum and ganja. What a difference 6 years makes! After getting our bags (we thought one was missing for about 10 minutes) and trudging through customs we finally made it to the Couples Welcome Office. In an instant, as McCartney and Lennon once wrote... "all my (our) troubles seemed so far away."

That's it for now... keep your web browser locked to the Mad Man for more arresting episodes of the never-ending Jamaica Me Crazy saga!